Don’t know what to title this post

because I’m not sure where it’s going to end up. So let’s dive right in and see where we go.

A co-worker and I were discussing addictions earlier and I commented that I have a very addictive personality. (No, not that I’m addictive , but that I become addicted relatively easy.) That was about an hour ago and ever since then, my brain’s been going 90 miles an hour and I had a few realizations that I need to put down on paper…or screen as the case may be.

Addictions are a symptom of low self esteem. That’s my opinion anyway. I am addicted to Diet Mountain Dew…as in I drink a minimum of 3-4 a day (and I wonder why I’m fat???) I am also addicted to smoking, reading, blogging…the list could go on and on. The point to all this is that while some of my addictions are physical, i.e. smoking and diet dew, all of my addictions can be traced back to low self esteem. I’ll use the reading as an example because I think it’s the easiest to understand.

I hate to put a book down once I’ve started it, it drives me batty. I have GOT to finish it or I am not much fun to be around. On top of that, it’s progressive. I start with one book and the next thing I know, I’m spending every free minute I have reading…to the detriment of my housecleaning, sleeping, eating, spending time with other people…you name it. So, I quit -cold turkey – for weeks, sometimes months, at a time. Then, I start the cycle again. Read one book, then two, then I’m right back there at 2am trying to keep my eyes open so I can finish whatever number book I’m on by that time. (As an aside, I am totally jealous of those people who can read one chapter at night before bed and then put it down until the next night.) Anyway, obviously I have a problem!!!

Now, how does this tie into self esteem? Because while I am reading, I AM that hero, lead character, whatever you wanna call it. I am living vicariously through the words on the page. I am no longer me, I’m someone else. For that little while, I am a successful CEO, supersleuth, dare-devil, hot chick, whatever. I step out of me and into someone else.

Now I know, that’s what everybody does, right? Isn’t that kind of the point of reading??? Yes, but in moderation. You see, I become so addicted to being someone else that I just keep reading so that I can keep being someone else. I don’t want to step back out into my life i.e. the real world and face it head on.

Does this mean I hate myself or that I’m unhappy all the time? NO…in fact, I’m typically a pretty upbeat person and honestly, I like me. I think I’m pretty cool What is DOES mean though, is that “me” isn’t always what others see. I censor “me” depending on who I’m with. There are very few venues in my life where I am “WYSIWYG.” Most people only see the part of me that I think they can/will accept. But I can only censor myself for so long, in a limited set of events. After a while, it just gets too hard…so, I limit the number of people I interact with. How??? By using my other addictions as barriers. Who wants to be around someone who smells like an ashtray? (smoking) Who wants to date the fat chick? (eating) Oops, I’m sorry, I’m in the middle of a really good book, maybe I can go next time…. I think you get the point.

My addictions are crutches that keep me/shield me from the real world….

So, the million dollar question is…where do I go from here? Well, first off, knowing is half the battle. Realizing that my addictions are barriers or crutches should make it easier to battle them. But the biggest, most important thing I can do is build courage. The courage to believe that others would think I was “pretty cool” too, if I let them see me in all my nutty glory. The courage to accept that I may “disappoint” some people and that that is OK…I don’t have to be everything to everyone, I don’t have to hide behind my “barriers” to keep people out. If they like me, fine…if they don’t, their loss. (yeah, yeah, I know…much easier said than done.)

I’ve posted before that I want to “find” me. Figure out who I am and where I want to go, etc. Reality is…I already know me. She’s everything this blog is. All I have to do is look back at what I’ve written so far and there I am. Whether it’s a “Dumbass effin men” rant, a horny (oh, yes I did go there) “Eye Candy“, or a “My Daughter is My Motivation“, they are all me.

I still kinda think I’m cool