Totally Tethered!

Woohoo! I am totally tethered to my Blackberry and LOVING IT! As some of you know, I’m pretty much stuck with dial up out here in the boonies. There’s no cable, no DSL and while I can get satellite TV, I can’t get satellite internet unless I want to spend around $80 a month for it. So, I got me a used Blackberry (thanks pops) and set it up for tethering ($30 per month if you’re already paying for the Blackberry Data Service.) It’s much faster than dial up and I no longer have to pay for a home phone either. Plus…I get rid of the phone cables so I can sit outside in the sun and surf the net if I want and, of course, I can take my computer anywhere and not have to worry about finding a wi-fi !!! It does have a 5gig a month limit while tethering, but, hey, unless I’m watching movies, I don’t think that’ll be an issue! So, here’s to tethering!! Oh, and, I can be talking, texting or surfing on the phone itself while tethered!!

P. S. I haven’t yet cancelled the dial up and phone, so if anyone has any experience with tethering that isn’t good, let me know ASAP before I shut everything off

Another lesson = another plan!

I think I might have mentioned before that I am a procrastinator – big time procrastinator! I’ve been struggling to NOT be one for most of my adult life – with very little success. I now think I’ve stumbled upon a cure…

In dealing with Little Man’s behavioral problems this past year, I’ve learned that the key to success is to work with him, not against him. Play on his strengths so to speak. I’ve also learned that things we might have once called weaknesses can become strengths if we give them new direction. It’s also become very evident that (like everyone else on the planet), he is much more willing and able to deal with his frustrations when he’s in a happy place versus an angry place. So I’ve decided to apply some of the techniques I’ve used with him on myself.

Saying I’m a procrastinator is negative and therefore puts me in a bad place of shame, guilt, etc. before I even get started on trying to “fix” the problem. It’s time to start readjusting how I think about myself. Therefore….I am going to STOP calling myself a procrastinator. Instead, I’m going to define this part of my personality as “I am deadline oriented and I like accountability.” Much more positive, I think. Instead of focusing on the “weakness” of procrastination, I’m focusing on my strengths.

When making choices about where and when to volunteer for PTA stuff, I’m going to choose items that have set deadlines and accountability, like planning events and activities that (obviously) must be done by a certain date. I’m also going to start setting deadlines for myself in other areas rather than leaving them open-ended. I will mostly be held accountable to myself, but still, having a set deadline gives me more motivation than “sometime” does.

Oh, and I’m going to start with the “I did it” lists again. I was much more productive when I was keeping up with them, and, big shocker here, as soon as I stopped posting them (read, stopped holding myself accountable) I stopped keeping them, so here they come again. Oh, stop groaning, you don’t have to read them because I’m going to start an accountability page rather than posting them in the main blog area. No one has to go read them, but there’s always the possiblity somebody could pass by there and see how well I’m doing, so there will be a certain amount of accountability to someone other than myself. Baby steps, my friends, baby steps….

What’s missing?

You know that feeling you get sometimes when you’re leaving your house where you just know you’re forgetting something but you just can’t for the life of you figure out what it is? You go through your list a dozen times: kids – check, keys – check, phone – check, purse – check, etc. and you’ve got it all, but you still just know there’s something you’re forgetting? It’ll drive you batty!

Well, that’s the way I’ve been feeling about life in general here lately. Like there’s just something missing, something I’ve forgotten or I’m not doing or seeing and it’s starting to drive me a little loco! I can’t figure out what it is that’s missing.

Am I on the verge of some mental/emotional breakthrough and my subconscious is just waiting around for my conscious mind to connect the dots and get on with it? Have I gotten to a point where I need to stop thinking so much and start doing something more? Perhaps I’ve come out of my shell enough to realize that I want more from my life, but I’m not sure where to start? A feeling of lack of accomplishment, like I’m just not where I think I should be in life? Or is it something much more physical and prosaic, like I’m missing being part of a romantic relationship or for that matter maybe I’m just missing being part of a close friendship?

I’ve always been kind of a “hurry up and wait” type person. Rush around so that I can be 15 minutes early to the doctor’s office even though I know it’s just going to add to my wait time, not get me in any earlier. In a hurry to “grow up” only to find myself impatiently tapping my foot “waiting” for the next phase of my life. A lot of my problems stem from being in too big of a hurry to “get” somewhere and yet, when I get there, instead of feeling like I’ve “made it” or accomplished something I find myself already looking ahead to the next “thing.”

I’ve been trying to live more in the “now” and it’s possible that I’m just having a bit of an anxiety attack because I’m not sure how to just “be.” I know intellectually that there’s not going to be some magical moment in my life where I suddenly feel whole or complete or “finished” and yet that seems to be exactly what I’ve been looking for all my life. How does one learn to simply “be”? To stop thinking in terms of “need to, someday, when _____” and start being happy and at peace with the now?

I am such an air-head…

So, mom called the house a few minutes ago to let me know that Little Man was spending the night over there tonight (usually he spends the night until bedtime and then comes home to Momma…yeah, he’s a Momma’s Boy.) Anyway, she happens to mention that she tried my cell and got some wierd “call cannot be connected” or something, so I decided to check my phone. I attempted to call my house and the cell shows a busy signal and says “call not allowed” huh??? So I tried the printers rule (turn it off and back on) and called the house again. This time it rang. So why does that make me an airhead??? Cause when the home phone rang, I jumped like a foot, and started to answer it….yeah…and they think I’m the brainy one….

PICKING UP BIG GIRL FROM CAMP TOMORROW!!!!!!! I can’t wait to see her and neither can Little Man. He’s started stealing my phone so that he can carry it around and look at her picture. How cute is that???? Of course, I am totally prepared for them to immediately start fighting, but at least I’ll know its love fighting

The bad news is, it’s Daddy’s weekend, so I’ll only have an hour or two with her before I have to drop her off with him

Happy Weekend to all and to all a good night

Too hard, too fast…

I am such an x-gener! I want it all and I want it NOW!! I’ve dug a little too deep, too fast into my pysche. I have several posts floating around in my head, but no great burning desire to write them. I’ve hit…not a wall or even a plateau because they denote blockage or stagnation…, but perhaps a meadow. A bright sun-filled, wild-flower covered meadow.

I think I will take some time to enjoy my current place. It is a place of self-awareness and discovery just as potent and important as all my others. For now, I will wander to the center of my meadow, lie down, stretch out my arms, close my eyes and let the sun warm me through. For a little while in time, I will simply enjoy my meadow and the peace it radiates…. I’ll take up my journey again when I am fully recharged…

P.S. This doesn’t mean you’re getting rid of me only that I won’t be posting any great, deep, philisophical epics for a little while….(I think??)

So, here’s the big, long introspective.

What? Oh, come on, you had to know this was coming. The only thing short and sweet around here is me. Don’t you roll your eyes, you know its true

Ok, enough fun…Happiness is a choice. I firmly believe this, however, there IS a catch. Choosing happiness does not mean you will suddenly and miraculously be happy, always and forever.

I can make the choice to climb Mount Everest, but that doesn’t mean I will suddenly find myself at its peak. Once the choice is made, I must gather the resources, tools and experience necessary to make that climb a reality. I must also be prepared for storms and setbacks along the way. I then must choose how to deal with those storms and setbacks. Will I keep plugging away, find shelter and wait for the storm to pass, try to go around it or will I CHOOSE to give up and not climb Mount Everest.

Choosing happiness is the same way. Once I make the CHOICE to be happy, I must then gather the resources, tools and experience necessary to be happy. When storms come along (i.e. loss of job, death, divorce or perhaps just a really crappy day), I must decide how to weather them. Will I plug along through the storm, will I find shelter and wait for the storm to pass, try to find a way around it or will I give up and make the choice to be unhappy.

So, see…Happiness really is a choice….just like any other.

Happiness is a choice!

That’s it…no big long introspective just….

Happiness is a choice!

Ok, things are getting a little heavy!

Everywhere I go tonight, all I seem to see are serious, weighty posts. After the day I’ve had I feel the need to lighten the mood! So rather than post my original topic

here’s me blowing you a rasberry Pass it on!!!

And for those of you who have better emoticons than I do, this command is supposedly for a rasberry blowing emoticon it just doesn’t work for me…. :-r

Yeah, so this morning pretty much sucked…

Sorry ’bout that… Sometimes when I least expect it, I have one of those moments. I figure it’s similar to physical injuries. When they start to itch, you know they’re healing. Only with depression it’s when you can feel the hurt again that you know you’re healing. Just my ‘pinion…

Retitled a more appropriate – Healing Hurts.

Doesn’t that sound like a nice upbeat post…

So I went to bed last night with a couple of posts floating around in my head with the intention of writing them this morning after a good night’s sleep. I still plan to write them, but they’ve been put on the back burner because life intervened with a lesson that had me blinking back tears this morning.

I’ve been so strong through the last few years. The fog helped a lot with that. A defense mechanism of sorts. The divorce, little man’s behavior issues, the trial, etc. were all situations where I knew I had to be strong, I couldn’t afford to break down. The fog was like a force field protecting me from the worst of the pain. It was like being stabbed with a spoon rather than a knife if that makes any sense, but healing means letting go of the fog and being in a good place makes the bad stuff all that much more painful when it happens.

Little man’s shoes were not tied to his satisfaction this morning (you know 4 year olds…their priorities are a bit different from an adults. ) But in the course of the ensuing temper tantrum he threw a box of wipes across the living room, called me a bitch and spit in my face. A throwback to those dark days this past spring that I thought we were mostly past. We got things sorted out and headed into school, but after I dropped him off, the tears came. Not because of what he had done, but because I finally realized/admitted that much of this is my fault.

My daughter was born early in my marriage, before the ex had a really good, tight hold on my self-esteem, before the really bad stuff started. By the time things had really deteriorated, she was old enough that my ex didn’t disrespect me, call me names, etc in front of her because he knew she was old enough to understand what was going on. In other words, she was mostly shielded from the bad stuff.

My son was not so lucky. He was born in “the final days” as I call them now (he was 2 going on three when we divorced.) My ex assumed he was too young to understand what was going on so he had no compunction about his behavior in front of little man. He was in my tummy when daddy said he didn’t want anymore kids. He was an infant in my arms when daddy called me a fat, lazy bitch. Even if he didn’t understand the words, he got the point. When you’re angry, strike out, be hurtful, make people feel bad in order to make yourself feel better. And I allowed it. I took it. I didn’t fight back. I made it acceptable in his little eyes.

If you’re in a bad situation, you are not the only one affected. Just because you are strong enough to take it or weak enough that you can’t muster the energy to fight back, STOP, take a look around you. Look at those tiny eyes and those little ears and realize that your choices now are going to affect those precious little ones you’re responsible for. It doesn’t matter how old they are or whether they fully understand…there will be consequences. Be stronger than I was, be strong enough to protect them, please….

I have to go cry now…