Foiled again!

Well, not really, but Pops seems to manage it without trying too hard.

Dad’s birthday is this week and we had planned a small surprise party at his house last night. So, I’m bee-boppin’ home with little man trying to decide whether to do anything special with his present or give it to him as is and as I stop at the mailbox I realize that my mother is mowing my front yard?!?! She’s in on the suprise party, so what’s she doing mowing at my house???? Turns out pops got a wild hair to trim one of my cedar trees back. It’s something we’ve been planning to do for a while, but hadn’t gotten around to yet. We ended up just moving the party to my house, but as I was crawling into bed last night, I realized how much more appropriate it had turned out than what we had originally planned.

Grandma (mom) weeded the front flower bed while watching little man win an impromptu water fight with one of my neices (she’s 16 and he trounced her!!) Dad actually enjoys working his tookus off in the yard, so he enjoyed himself and I got my tree done. All perfectly timed out to be done when my sister showed up with the food and final party guests (hehehe, ok, that part was a complete miracle.)

Much more “us” than just a sedate little party would have been, and I didn’t even have to feel bad about eating cake, cause anybody who’s ever hauled wood knows….we burned a ton of calories!!!

Summer child care decisions

suck!!! There are too many people whose feelings seem to get hurt no matter what choice I make. I personally would prefer that both my kiddos go to their aunts during the day for the summer break, unfortunately, that’s not a good option this year. If I pull little man out of his current daycare, I either have to continue paying his tuition or run the risk that they won’t have a spot open for him in the fall. Given the number of big changes in his little life the past couple of years and the resulting behavior problems, I’m just not comfortable taking that risk. He needs stability!!! And I just can’t afford to pay double childcare expenses over the summer to ensure a spot. So, that leaves just my daughter.

I can have her cousin come over to the house to watch her (or they can hang at Grandma’s, which is close by) or I can take her to her aunts. Her aunt lives 20+ miles from little man’s daycare and my work. I can’t really afford to drive all that way everyday (gas prices and all) and still afford to pay her for watching my daughter on top of little man’s daycare costs, but I know think she’ll be a little upset if she doesn’t get to watch her. They’ve really gotten close over the past few years. I also know think that she would probably offer to watch her for free, but I feel bad taking advantage of her that way when one of the reasons I wouldn’t be able to afford to pay her is because my ex isn’t paying his child support (she’s his sister.) It seems wrong to “punish” her because her brother’s a royal pain in my pocketbook, but then again, NOT getting to watch my daughter is a “punishment” in itself I suppose. Decisions, decisions, decisions…..

Writing this all out was supposed to help me clarify things so I could make a decision….it failed Any brilliant advice?

Couple more random thoughts…

1) OK, I caved to Twitter-mania. I signed up today for a twitter account just to see what all the fuss was about. Call me blond, but I’m still not sure I get the point….somebody wanna explain it???? Oh, wait…I think I get it, it’s for these random thoughts that nobody cares about right??? (Sorry, no more twitter. I deleted it today.)

2) What is with these spammers? I have officially deleted more spam comments than I have approved actual comments. Every single one of them was a sex or nude pictures or porn video thing and every single one of them showed up on my Am I A Lousy Parent? post. Huh….what about that post makes anybody think I’m interested in nude/sex/porn crap? You’d think it would have been the Eye Candy for the Ladies post, but noooooo, apparently spammers aren’t that smart, but you already knew that didn’t you???

Marital advice from the twice divorced…

and yes, I do see the complete irony of that statement. I used to shy away from anyplace/event/person (wedding showers, newly engaged people, etc.) that might actually ask for marital advice because why in the heck would anyone want advice from someone who had failed so spectacularly, not just once, but twice? However, I’ve recently come to the decision that I may actually have some insight. I mean, heck, I’ve already made the mistakes why shouldn’t someone else benefit? So, I’ve decided to add my two cents worth. This is just the tip of the iceberg and I may end up posting more later, but this should get you started.

Make sure you and your partner are reading the same “book” of life. You don’t necessarily have to be on the same page, but at least make sure you’re in the same book. “What the heck does that mean?” you ask. Well, let me tell you….

Many times we give advice to newly engaged couples that includes something along the lines of marrying someone from the same social/religious/financial background. I don’t necessarily think this is the right way to say it. While where we came from is important, what is MOST important is where we’re going. We need to make sure that the person we choose to spend the rest of our lives with, have a family with, etc. wants to end up at the same place we do and they are going to get there on a path similar to our own. This means get specific about the questions you ask. If you or your partner are unable/unwilling to discuss these things, then for God’s sake don’t get married, have kids or make any other long-term commitments until you are!

My ex and I both wanted to “settle down and start a family.” Yay! Good! We had a similar goal, right? Ok, sort of, but what I didn’t realize was that settling down and having a family meant totally different things to him than it did to me (we weren’t reading the same book). So here’s a beginner list of questions to ask and things to discuss so that you don’t end up feeling like you’ve been sucker punched…

1) Kids – Are we going to have any? When? Is there going to be a primary caregiver or will we share that responsibility equally? Get SPECIFIC here. Will we both work or will one stay home with the kids? If so, for how long? If not, how will transportation to and from daycare be handled? Will it be based on who’s closest, work hours, etc. or will one person be the designated “Chauffer” forever and ever amen no matter what? Will baths, bedtimes, playdates, doctors, dentists, etc be shared equally or will one person be responsible? How involved will both parents be in the raising of the kids? What, if anything, are you willing to sacrifice about your current lifestyle in order to raise happy, healthy kiddos? Are you willing to cut down on going out, eating out, fancy new cars, etc. if it becomes necessary? You need to ask these questions (and probably a whole bunch more) NOW, because the answers may surprise you and you sure as heck don’t want to find that out after you’re married or start having kids, whichever comes first in your situation. In our situation, having kids meant (to him) ‘have some babies and then YOU take care of them…completely. They will not change/interfere with my lifestyle, but will be well behaved and smart for when I want to trot them out to family/bosses, etc. Oh, and work full-time while you’re at it.’

2) The big religion question, and I don’t give a flying flip what religion you are or for that matter whether you “have” a religion or not. This is a big one…DO NOT SKIP this. It may not seem like a big deal, but trust me, if you’re not in the same book on this one, it will be a major problem down the road. I knew that my ex had never really attended church, but I wasn’t currently attending either, so I didn’t think to ask about it and I paid dearly for the oversight. I discovered after our daughter was born that he not only didn’t attend, but he didn’t want anything to do with it. If I sang “Jesus Loves Me” to her at bedtime, he’d stomp out of the house. He turned off alarms so we wouldn’t get up on time Sunday morning. He’d take the kids out to play in the dirt or with the dog so that we wouldn’t be able to get ready in time. He not only didn’t go, he had a major aversion to all things religious, but rather than discuss it, he simply sabotaged it. Often times as singles or non-parents, religion isn’t a “big deal” but once you start having kids, it grows. What is your “religion?” How active are you? Do you plan to take the kids to church at some point? Do you care if I do? Do you care why type of church we attend? Can we attend as a family?

3) Finances – I don’t really care if you came from “money”, were middle class or were dirt poor. What I wanna know is how do you “handle” money? Do you pay your bills on time? Do/can you live on a budget? Can I see that budget? How do you use credit? Can I see a credit report? (This one is mainly for those who are getting married and will “tie” their credit to their new spouse.) What are your priorities? (i.e. do you want to have lots of “spending” money or are you thinking more along the lines of buying a house?)

4) Social – What do you consider normal? Going out a lot or a little? Do you plan to be monogomous or are you thinking “open” relationship after a few years? How often do you plan to go out with “the guys/girls?” What do you think are “appropriate” activities for us to do when we’re not together? Bowling or strip clubs? How often are we going to visit parents/grandparents, etc? Where do you anticipate spending holidays?

These are the types of things that can make or break a relationship and they are things that you need to get specific about. Don’t assume that a generic statement like “I wanna have kids” means the same thing to you as it does to them. This is no time to be diplomatic or politically correct. Be nosy and be specific, it’ll be worth it in the end and if your partner doesn’t agree to answer these questions or have these discussions….don’t make long term commitments!!!! This does not mean break up immediately and it doesn’t mean ask these things on a first date. What it means is that if you are seriously considering marriage/kids with your partner, you need to have these conversations before you make a final decision.

OK, show of hands!!

Seriously, I want feed back on this one! When I first started this blog, it was with the noble intention of figuring out who I am and how I got here. However, here recently I find myself using my blog as a place to vent/rant or as a “friend.” For example, my last post about random stuff. Ummmm, how many people actually care that I cut my hair or had a princess party???? These are the types of things that “back in the day” I would have called a friend and started the conversation with “guess what”, “you’ll never believe”, etc. Since I am sadly lacking in “real life” friends, I find myself blurting out that info here. So, today I’m debating starting another blog for my “blurting” stuff and keeping this one for the more well thought out “self-growth” type posts and I wanna know……

1) Do you use any online media for the “blurting” type of posts?
2) Do you have multiple blogs/media for different parts of your personality?
3) Are you male or female?
4) What type of “support” group do you have in real life and do you think it affects what types of posts you put up?

Oh, and since I get like maybe 5-10 hits a day, if you wanna pass this on or do your own research and report back, feel free. We’ll call it a social experiment And since there’s “nothing new under the sun”, if you know of someone who’s already done this research, let me know!!

Random stuff…

None of these need their own post, but do deserve some mention

1. Princess Protection Program Pizza Party!!!! I dare you to say that five times fast!! That’s the agenda for this evening. Little man is hanging with Grandpa tonight, so it’s girls only for a couple of hours. Let’s hope the kitchen survives, it’s amazing how much food four tweener girls can consume!!

2. Chopped off all my hair today….just kidding. I was in the mood for a change, so we took about 4 inches off the length and layered some of it up by 8 inches. The sad part is, it’s so long nobody’s even noticed yet. hahaha

3. Going OUT tomorrow night. A friend of a friend of a friend has made it to the semi-finals in a local karaoke contest, so a bunch of us are supposed to go cheer him on. It’s been ohhhh, 6 years or better since I went out on the town. I’m not sure I remember how to act. It’s like riding a bike, right???

Facebook relationship status.

Huh???? First things first. Let it be known that I do have a Facebook account, however, I got the account for the sole purpose of checking it out to see if I was comfortable with some family members posting pics of my kids on their accounts. I have logged on maybe once in the last 6 months. I do not twitter and I’ve never delved into the world of online dating. In other words, the extent of my online social networking is this blog. This is said only to point out that I’m not exactly up on nor do I care much about online social stuff, so I have a slightly different perspective. Now on to the point…

One of our local radio stations has a “group therapy” time during the morning drive. People email in questions that are read at random on the air and then listeners call in their advice or answers. This mornings question was “Is there a time-line rule for changing your on-line Facebook relationship status from single to in-a-relationship?”

Apparently, he’s been dating a girl for two months now and had not yet changed his status. His girlfriend recently reemed him a new one and is currently “not speaking to him” because of this. WTF?????

Now, don’t get me wrong. If he wouldn’t allow her into his Facebook or never talked about her in that medium or had refused to change his status, I might think those were some red flags and something to be concerned about, but come on…. Throwing a hissy and refusing to speak to him because he hadn’t yet gotten around to changing it???? Somebody needs to educate me cause my advice to him would be to dump her butt……

My daughter is my motivation

for this blogging business. I don’t want her to end up like me, yet the older she gets the more she reminds me of myself. She doesn’t like confrontation, she’s always been a “good girl”, good student, everybody loves her, she hates to disappoint people, she wants (to the point of need) for everybody to like her, she’s a “pleaser” and she always wants (again to the point of need) to “fix” things. In moderation these are all good traits to have, but I see her “overdoing it” just like I do. I’m worried for her. I know the mistakes I’ve made and the toll they’ve taken. I don’t want her to look back at her life in 20 or 30 years and feel like I do.

Note…I can’t/won’t regret how my life has turned out so far because my kids are my life and there is nothing worth changing if it meant I didn’t have them, but I do want to be a different kind of person in the future.

I started out just like her – happy, optimistic, wanting to take care of others, make them happy, but somewhere along the way I changed. I became angry, bitter, disillusioned and lost. I look back on my life and wonder “What happened to me? Where did I go wrong? Who am I? What do I want? How in the hell can I change? How do I make sure she doesn’t end up like me?” I had such a bright future and I feel like I pissed it all down the drain because I spent so much time worrying about everyone else that I never questioned what I wanted.

I want so much for her, but most of all…I want her to be happy with the person that she is. No matter what she does or where she goes or who she’s with, I want her to be who she wants to be. I want her to ask the tough questions. I want her to look deep inside and find her true self, not who I or anybody else wants her to be, but who she wants to be.

The hard part is getting her there. Letting her have a fun childhood while making sure she learns the really important lessons in life. I don’t want her to grow up too fast, but people like us almost need to. It takes so much for us to be strong and confident and independent. It’s not our “comfortable” state. I look at my son and the differences are so pronounced. He’s got more strength of will, confidence and independence at age 4 than I can ever remember having. He frustrates me to no end, but looking at him I can tell…it won’t be a matter of strength for him, it will be a matter of direction and goals.

No…I’ve read back through this post and it’s not coming out right. We sound like wimps and we’re not…We are strong…maybe stronger than we should be, but it’s the wrong kind of strength (if there is such a thing.) I can take anything. Pain, sickness, disappointment, stress. My pain threshhold is the thing of legends…literally. I’ve had two c-sections and both times they thought my pain medicine clicker must be broken cause I wasn’t using it. I was up and walking on my own within 12 hours, I didn’t take any of the pain meds they sent me home with and I was back at work within 3 weeks both times. I’ve been ignored, emotionally abused, taken advantage of and treated like a second-class citizen and I just kept taking it. Because I could…because I was strong enough. What I didn’t notice was the scar tissue building up around me. The damage left behind…

My daughter has plenty of strength. My goal is to teach her that SHE is worth fighting for, that SHE deserves to be happy. I’m not advocating a “screw you” policy, but an “equals” policy. Fight for yourself with the same strength and conviction that you would if you were fighting for someone else. Don’t just “take it.” Fight, question, spread your wings, try new things…don’t live your life in fear of what anyone else will think. It’s your life and it’s the only one you get…live it well.

One of those mornings….

Ahhhh, the joys of life….Woke up a bit late this morning, but, no big, we’re pretty streamlined around my house so we were still ready to head to the bus stop on time. Mom calls and says “Left my phone at home, can you run by and get it on your way in and drop it off to me?” “Sure, no prob…oops, wait, I gave my key to C this weekend when she got locked out.” As we’re trying to work this out my darling daughter chimes in “Uh, hey, Mom? I have a key to Grandma’s.” You do???? Oh wait, yeah, we made her one “just in case” – problem solved!

After walking sis to the bus stop, the little man and I load up the car to head to Grandma’s for the phone. One minor problem, the car won’t start!!! Again, no big, little man and I head out to the shop for the charger, only, along the way the neighborhood dogs decide to come running up to play and one of them catches little man on the back of the leg with a toenail. Crap!!! Stupid dogs!!!!

Once we’re safely in the shop I give his leg a once over. It’s not a deep cut, but it’s about three inches long. We collect the charger and head back to the house for bandaids and antibiotic. Who knows what was on that dog’s nail?!?!?

After some impromptu first aid, we hook up the charger and the car jumps right to life YAY!!!! We hit Grandma’s for the phone and are headed into town when my “low fuel” light goes off. Hmmmm, wonder if the car will start again if I have to stop for gas??? Nope, not gonna try it, I’ve got at least a gallon left and that’s good for 30 miles or so….

Drop off phone, drop off little man at preschool, head to the auto shop. It’ll be at least an hour before they can get to it, so I had one of the guys from work come get me. You thought I’d run out of gas, didnt’ you????? hahaha

Now for the lesson learned from all this. In the past I would have been a complete witch by the time I managed to get to work. I would have griped, complained and been a complete “why did I bother rolling out of bed this morning”, “why me”, whining jerk. But you know what? Today, I choose to “live, laugh and learn” instead.

Every single one of these problems was a sign of just how far we’ve come. Not even a “car that won’t start” can stop us now! We took everything in stride and I still made it to work only 10 minutes late. I dare you to top that!!!! Ok, I really don’t because I wouldn’t wish one of “those mornings” on you, but, if you do, remember….it’s all in the attitude. You can see it as bad luck or you can see it as an example of how strong you can be!

Live…Laugh…Learn

A few weeks ago, Delaine over at A Divorced Woman posted The Fake Smiles We Give Our Kids – Are We Fooling Them?

When I first read the post a couple of weeks ago, I could relate. I could see myself in her description of herself, but it took a little while for the message to really sink in. About a week later my son came up to me wanting to cuddle while I was working on the computer. I almost missed it, but as I looked up at him, ready to utter those damning words of “not now, maybe later” or to offer to let him lean against me as I continued working, her post popped into my head and I realized this was one of those defining “now” moments she was talking about. I unplugged the computer and set it aside. Cuddling soon turned to giggles and giggles to tickling. My daughter came to see what all the noise was about and the three of us ended up in a dog pile of giggles and wriggling fingers as they both attempted to get the better of mom.

After they went to bed that night I realized how long it had been since we’d all just been silly together, how many times I’d been “checked out” and missed out on what’s really important in life. I’ve made an effort to live more in the “now” since then and realized Delaine was right again when she said “…it is in our awareness of our ‘checking out,’ that we can begin to make the return trip home to be present.” My attitude is changing. I’m not just doing what has to be done, surviving or making it through the day anymore. I’m living!!!

My daughter was helping me design my new checks the other day and picked the phrase “Live.Laugh.Learn.” and a picture of a butterfly. I like the way she thinks Now instead of plodding through each day trying to “make it”, I’ve decided to to try “fluttering” through life…laughing and learning as I go.