Accomplishments List 3

I Did It List 3 5/30/09

1. Church
2. Weekly grocery shopping
3. Fixed dinner
4. Washed dishes, cleaned kitchen
5. Did a load of laundry
6. Swept kitchen, dining and living room
7. Did the vacuuming & emptied the filter
8. Talked to transportation agent regarding this month’s pick-up schedule
9. Posted my I Did It List

Watched “The Link” yesterday

on the History channel and it got me to wondering…In this age of technology and science, are we anymore “intelligent” for want of a better word than we were a couple hundred years ago. First off, the show is about a 47-million year old fossil that some think is the “missing link” in the evolution of man. Now, having been raised in a Christian household and being taught Creation and having listened to many debates, rants, etc. about Creationism vs Darwinism, the first thing that popped into my head was, of course, “Wow, wonder how many people (Christians, etc.) are screaming about this?” I mean we’ve all seen the “I am not a monkey” bumper stickers, haven’t we?

Now, I don’t purport to be a scientist and I haven’t the foggiest understanding of evolution, the big bang theory, etc., but the show was fascinating to me on many levels (which we don’t have time for here.) This post is, as I stated earlier, a journey into the mindset of those who are so against many of the conclusions/hypothoses that scientists have “put out there” since, pretty much the beginning of “science.” What was our reaction to the world is round, not flat, or the sun does not revolve around the earth…we revolve around the sun, etc. Is it so impossible to believe that maybe, just maybe, evolution is just as possible (as all those other scientific theories that we now know to be true that the early Church threw such hissies about) without “debunking” the Bible? Could they not co-exist?

Ok, Ok, I know the Bible actually “tells” the story of creation…on the first day…God said…and it happened, whereas, I don’t think the Bible ever actually says the world is flat or we revolve around the sun, etc. So, there is a big difference on that front I guess. However, let’s stop and think about this a minute. Lets, for the moment, assume that Darwin was correct and humans “evolved.” Can you imagine God trying to explain that to the early writers of the Bible in a way they could possibly understand. Is it “possible” that God simply explained it in a way that was understandable based on what people understood about science, etc. at that time? I mean can you imagine trying to explain electricity to people of that day??? The Bible says that to God a day is as a thousand years to us and a thousand years to Him is as a day to us, so obviously time is relative here…For those who argue that God made us in His “image” and therefore we couldn’t be evolved, etc., aren’t you limiting God by saying that? I mean if God is all-knowing and all-powerful, etc., are you saying that he didn’t “know” that humans would evolve, that he couldn’t have planned it that way?

Same theory applied to big bang vs. creation…So scientists say that the earth was created by a massive collision of two other planets, rocks, whatever, that started the process of making the earth inhabitable and creationists say “we aren’t an accident”, etc. Why are the two mutually exclusive? Again, are you limiting Gods power???? Can’t both theories be correct? Who says God didn’t know exactly what would happen if two planets or whatever collided at a particular speed, angle, etc. Are you saying that God wasn’t capable of planning the “big bang” because he knew exactly what would happen?

I’m not sure exactly where I had planned to go with this post, maybe I’m just in one of those moods tonight, I just know that I have been questioning many of the things I was taught as a child about God, faith, Christianity, etc. and this is one of those things I question so I thought I’d throw it out there. I’ve just never understood why some people get so upset about some of this stuff. It brings up all sorts of questions to me. I guess maybe I’m wondering if we get so caught up in “semantics” and “details” that we are missing the bigger picture? Ok, senior moment here lol, I’ve run out of sensible things to say…not that there’s not a lot running through my head, just that I can’t seem to write about it coherently, so I guess this is where I end for today.

I Did It Lists 1 and 2

Well, I didn’t get around to posting my “I did it” list last night, so today I’ll be posting both yesterday and today. Most of the items on my list are piddly little things, but considering how well I manage to dwell on the piddly little things I don’t get done, it seems appropriate. We’ll see in a few weeks whether this helps!

I Did It 5/29/09
1. Made a run to the store before work to pick up some necessities (think toilet paper lol)
2. Wrote two appeals
3. Did the Quarterly Report
5. Reviewed meeting agenda for next weeks organizational meeting
6. Researched and responded to settlement request
7. Completed insurance forms and mailed them off
8. Completed and sent equipment contract renewal
9. Processed account payables
10. Completed several officer expense reimbursement requests
11. Returned incomplete claim forms to agents
12. Checked in the mail

I Did It 5/30/09
1. Load of Laundry
2. Started moving and restacking wood
3. Took the little one out for some fun in the sun
4. Assisted with coordinating, set up and clean up of a party with 100+ attendees (Ouch, my feet hurt.)
5. Posted my I Did It list

Chicken or Egg…

Which came first? OK, so I really don’t care which, but it was a good lead in to today’s rambling! hahaha

Actually, I am wondering which came first, but it’s not about chickens and eggs. It’s about my “issues.” I think by now it’s pretty evident that I have some self-esteem issues and (if you’ve been reading between the lines) you may have noticed that I have some procrastination/out-of-sight, out-of-mind issues as well. I am the world’s greatest planner, but I have follow-thru problems. Just because I can see something and come up with a great plan for doing/fixing/whatever-ing it doesn’t mean I actually do it.

So the question today is “which came first”, the self-esteem issues or the not-doing-it issues? In the long run, it may not matter, but, then again, it may be the key to long-term change for me. The catch of course is that since I don’t have the memory of an elephant (lol) I can’t remember far enough back to be able to figure out which came first….

Do my fears stop me from following thru with the “plan” or did my inability to “just do it” cause my self-esteem issues? I know that the days I “rock-n-roll” at work, home or wherever, I feel better about myself, happier, more positive, etc. I mean, come on, everybody feels better when they can look back on a day and say it was productive or actually SEE the results of their efforts. (I love yard work days. There’s nothing better than looking out at your yard and being able to actually SEE your accomplishments and know that it’s “done” — at least for the next week or so.)

I think sometimes though that my need for “validation” means that I sometimes don’t appreciate what I have accomplished because it’s stuff no one else seems to notice or appreciate. Never-ending filing, admin paperwork, laundry, house-cleaning, dishes, etc. All they see is what didn’t get done. And, little by little, I have let this “what didn’t get done” become what defines me, especially at work. Instead of seeing all the filing I did get done, all I see is the filing someone laid on my desk while I was back in the file room. Instead of seeing the laundry that did get done, I see the dirty clothes and towels the kids tossed to the floor 5 minutes ago when they got ready for bed, or the dishes somebody dirtied while I was washing all the other dirty dishes….well, you get the point. And it’s not like I’m somehow special, this stuff happens to everyone, so why do I let it get me down. Notice I said “let”, because the reality is I choose to let this define my moods. Whether it’s a conscious decision or a reactionary habit, it is still my choice to feel that way.

Anyway, all of this rambling comes because, it’s that time of year again. Every spring/summer I go on a kick of “getting it together”. I buy a new calendar and a notebook for to-do lists, start working on my control journal again (see Flylady.net if this confuses you lol) and then I forget to use those tools, check that calendar, etc. By the time winter and the school year is over, I’m right back where I started from, getting ready to “get it together” again and realizing I haven’t even looked at that nice, pretty, color-coded calendar or expertly laid out control journal in…well, probably months. And, honestly, I’m tired of constantly “starting over.”

So, how do I break the cycle. How do I get off the merry-go-round? Well, according to a lot of people out there…I “just do it”…much easier said than done, especially when you’re talking about a life time of not doing it… Not doing it may be painful in the long run, but in the short-term it’s familiar, it’s comfortable, it’normal.

For now, my goals are going to be simple. I’m going to form the habit of checking my journal, calendar and to-do list at least twice a day. (I’m setting an alarm on my phone to remind me until I’ve got the habit mastered. It may be there forever…lol.) and I’m going to start keeping an “I did it” list. I may do it here since I seem to do a pretty decent job of keeping up with this blog. But, every day I’m going to write down at least 5 things that I got done that day to remind myself to concentrate on the good things not the “didn’t get done” depressing things. However, I’m always open to suggestion, so if anyone actually reads this and has an opinion….let ‘er rip.

And as far as the “which came first” question….I’m not really sure it matters. I’m hoping that taking it a step at a time will work to straighten me out regardless of the chicken or the egg.

Is it really “better” for the kids

to have holidays with both Mom and Dad after the divorce? Since my divorce, my ex’s family has been attempting to get me to spend “their” holiday’s with the kids with them. I keep hearing how “good” it is for the kids to see Mom and Dad “getting along” after the divorce, but I have to wonder…is it? or does it just make things more confusing?

As I’ve stated in previous posts, my ex didn’t want the divorce and has been trying to get “back together” from the very first. It’s not gonna happen and I’ve told him that repeatedly, but he still insists on living in his own little fantasy world and ignoring reality.

Anywoo…this was “my” Memorial Day with the kids, but we didn’t have any plans on how to spend it, so my ex SIL invited us to her house for lunch. At the time of the invite, no one knew whether the ex would be attending, so I said sure, why not. Of course, the ex did show up. I was polite, but did not go out of my way to be friendly, we spent the majority of the afternoon in seperate rooms because I avoided him. Everytime we were in the same room, he was staring, trying to start up inane conversations and generally hovering. It would have been annoying when we were still together, now that we’re divorced it was just wierd and creepy-crawly. Now, I tried very hard to not make it obvious to the kids that I was avoiding him. If I didn’t have a legitimate excuse to leave the room, I stayed (i.e. when I was helping out in the kitchen and he took up residence in a corner), but I avoided eye-contact and answered only when absolutely necessary and NEVER initiated conversation. Even so, I received several texts last night about how nice it was to spend the holiday as a family and how sorry he was and how he couldn’t wait till we could be a family again, etc., etc., etc.

Anyway, I guess the question is this….We’re divorced, doesn’t continuing to spend holiday’s as a “family” just make it that much more difficult for kids to understand and accept the situation? I mean, it apparently makes it more difficult for some adults (my ex), so wouldn’t the assumption be that it would be even more confusing for the kids?

Positive results of quitting

smoking. I posted a while back about “reasons” why I don’t want to quit smoking and this is the flip side of that post. I’m almost out of smokes and am toying with the idea of attemping to quit again, so rather than whine about the reasons I don’t want to quit, I thought I’d list a few of the positive things that come from quitting (other than the obvious.) These are some of the little (and not so little) things that change when I quit.

1. The amount of money no longer being spent. Lets face it, even at 1/2 a pack a day, that’s getting close to $20 per week, $80 per month and upwards of $960 per year. Wow, almost $1000 per year on a really nasty habit.
2. The increase in free time. Again, using 1/2 pack a day, 5 minutes per cigarette, that’s 50 minutes a day…lets repeat that…almost an hour a day WASTED…that’s over 40 hours per year. Dang I’m wasting the equivilant of a week’s vacation!!!
3. More sleep. Instead of staying up waiting for the kids to go to sleep so I can go outside and have a smoke, I can go straight to bed. OR, I could break out the weights and get to work on these extra pounds…..
4. No longer smelling like an ashtray….
5. Being able to REALLY taste food, not that muted taste smokers have.
6. Being able to smell again.

And the No. 1 benefit of quitting….letting go of the guilt! There is soooo much guilt associated with smoking (for me anyway.) Guilt over being a weak/bad person/parent because I smoke. Guilt over the money, the time….pretty much every aspect of smoking is guilt inducing for me, which like any addiction…just feeds the addiction…..

Maybe quitting would be a good place to start rebuilding my self-esteem. If I can quit, would that build self-esteem? Be something I could be proud of? Or would my completely insane mind just see it as me bending to outside pressure again? Could I concentrate on the fact that I was quitting for me, because I wanted to, not because someone (everyone) else thinks it’s the “right” thing to do? And if I fail (don’t manage to quit) would that just do more damage to my self-esteem?

I’m interested to see what my reaction to this post will be tomorrow…Will it have been helpful in making a decision, or not????? I always have the wierdest reactions when I re-read previous posts…..

I am my own worst enemy…

I commented on a post earlier and in it I made the statement that I was my own worst enemy. That thought’s been running circles through my head for a few minutes now and I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s not just some “throw away” quip…It’s scarily true. I AM MY OWN WORST ENEMY!!!! Every “problem” that I have from emotional to physical to financial is my own fault. I allowed it to happen. Why? Because I don’t love myself. I don’t trust myself. I don’t have faith in myself.

On a deep, gut level, I have no self esteem and no self worth. I can force myself to stand up and be strong on occasion, but it’s always for someone else…never myself. Unless I get angry anyway. The only way I can defend myself, stand up for myself is to work myself into a roiling fury, which usually means I make mistakes or am just plain mean about it and end up feeling bad for standing strong which just adds to the downward spiral of self loathing. I have got to get control and learn to stop this cycle! The reality is I am just like everyone else in that I make mistakes…some bigger than others… but, here’s the kicker, because my sense of worth is other driven instead of self driven, I “feel” like I must hide those mistakes and pretend I don’t make them because I’m afraid someone will be disappointed or won’t like me.

Take for example my financial situation. I’m in a hole of my own making, but I’ve made it so much worse because I refused to admit that I had made those financial mistakes. Everyone seems to think that I’m so good with money, that I don’t make the same mistakes other people make, but the reality is, I just hide it, which makes it worse. Had I had the guts to admit my financial woes a year ago, I could have gotten help THEN and been in a much better place than I am in now. But I didn’t fess up. I hid the mistakes and compounded them. In trying to hide my problems, I dug myself even deeper into…you guessed it…the credit card hole….

Emotionally, I have a “need” for validation from others that has destroyed my ablity to make decisions. Everytime I have to make a decision, I have to get EVERYONE’s input. What do YOU think I should do? is a familiar refrain. I even “need” others to tell me if what I am feeling is ok or appropriate, because I don’t trust myself. Why don’t I trust myself? Because I have NO self-esteem. Almost everything I do, say, feel, is other driven, not self-driven.

This lack of self-esteem is the biggest problem I have. I am at war with myself. That tiny little voice I hear whispering in my ear is the tiny little part of my self esteem that has managed to survive a lifetime of being beaten down and it’s getting desperate. If I don’t heed it now, it may well disappear forever and I’ll be little more than a “puppet on a string.” I don’t want that. I want to change, to grow, to stop needing everyone else to tell me how to think and feel. Even this blog is an example. Don’t get me wrong, this blog is doing me worlds of good when it comes to admitting where I am and helping me to sort through all the “crap” and get down to the heart of the matter, but it has also made it very obvious just how far I’ve sunk. Do you have any idea how many times I check my dashboard to see if anyone is reading this dribble? Has anyone commented? Do they think I’m nuts? Am I making sense? What do they think? How sad is that? I’ve gotten to the point where I need validation from complete strangers who don’t know me from Adam…

I AM MY OWN WORST ENEMY!!

And starting now…I’m declaring WAR. I refuse to surrender. I refuse to give up. I refuse to go down without a fight…And I WILL win. I don’t have a clue where to start, but I will get there. It’s a promise to myself that I intend to keep. One way or another, I’m going to to be a different person in my future than I have been in my past!! It’s going to be a long, hard war. I expect a few casualties and I know I’m going to lose some battles, especially in the beginning, but in the end…I will prevail…..because the alternative is unthinkable….

Discovering the day my heart shut down….

OK, continuing from where I left off in my last self-therapy post….I was then in my mid-twenties with my first marriage already ended. I’d only been on my own for a couple of years when I met hubby number two. We’ll call him “H”. So anyway, I met H at a bar…yeah, first mistake there. The 2nd mistake was believing everything he told me. He was very upfront and honest about his past. It wasn’t a pretty story, but he was so HONEST about it and told me how he had worked through his issues, regretted his mistakes and was older and wiser now. He wanted to start a family and settle down. Now for those of you who are familiar with “red flags”, this was a HUGE one, but I didn’t know back then what I know now and I bought the whole story. Hook….line….and sinker. Especially considering that I was still reeling from some of the stupid mistakes I’d made in the last few years. I thought I’d met someone like me, someone who’d learned the hard way and was ready to start fresh if someone would just believe in them. Within a few months we were married and shortly after that I was pregnant with our first child. It wasn’t long before the trouble started.

H began having problems keeping a job. He was also spending money like it grew on trees. The fact that I was pregnant shouldn’t slow him down any apparently. He was still going out quite a bit and just because I didn’t feel like going out after working all week wasn’t reason for HIM to be stuck at home. Our budget was never balanced because everytime I turned my back he was getting money out of our joint account and when I went to pay bills, there wasn’t enough there. Within two years I had given up on arguing with him about it and simply seperated our finances. I discovered real quick that he couldn’t be trusted to actually pay any bills and when we decided that he would just give me part of his paycheck each week…well that didn’t work either. Many times it was because he wasn’t working, others it was because he’d “added wrong” on his check register and spent too much. Eventually, I simply stopped expecting anything from him and just took care of all the household expenses myself as well as supplementing his income when he “added wrong” or his vehicle broke down, etc.

Lest we think it was just money I was upset about, I’ll also add that he continued to go out doing whatever it was he wanted to do. He would often tell people that our daughter never had problems sleeping or woke us up with teething pains or any of the other things they would talk about their kids doing. The reality was she did do those things, he was just never around to see them and when he was around, he typically slept through it all. We (my daughter and I) became an afterthought to him, something that he trotted out to prove to his family how “grown up” he was or to impress someone. It wasn’t unusual for him to stay out till 2 or 3 in the morning and then come home drunk, pissed and punching walls, but somehow he always managed to convince me how sorry he was and how he was going to change. He even cried on my shoulder, he was so upset with himself.

We plugged on with that way for several more years when I discovered I was pregnant again (unplanned obviously.) When I told him about it…well, we won’t go into details, we’ll just say he “wasn’t having any more kids”…ummm, little late considering I’m already pregnant now isn’t it???? Yeah, well according to him that could be “fixed.” That was one of those defining moments in life. That’s when I should have said get out and never come back, but I didn’t. I was so….I don’t even know what to call the place I was in back then, but instead of kicking his ass to the curb, I somehow managed to convince myself that it was just the shock talking, he really didn’t mean it, he just needed some time to adjust. Pretty pathetic, huh?

Looking back at it know (like, right this minute now, not the “in general” kind of now), I realize that this was the point where my heart just shut down. It didn’t break because, well, most of my love for him had already died a slow death, but this is when I just…stopped feeling. I posted a few days back about my inability to feel things the way other people do and I think this was the final straw for my heart. I didn’t have the luxury of breaking down, so I just shut down. If I couldn’t feel, I couldn’t hurt, and if I didn’t hurt, I could keep going, keep taking care of our daughter and the new baby. Maybe “stopped” feeling isn’t the right way to put it. I didn’t stop feeling entirely because I still loved my kids, my parents, etc., but it was muted, like it was buried behind a glass wall. It was there, just not as clear and sharp as it once was.

Anyway, whether he really did reconsider or whether he just realized he was about to lose his meal ticket, I don’t know, but neither one of us left the marriage. This pregnancy was different though. He didn’t go to Dr’s appointments and really didn’t take much interest in any of it. He did manage to be at the hospital during the birth, but disappeared soon after and stayed gone for most of the time I was there. We had moved recently and he was “making sure the house was ready” for us to come home to. The fact that I wanted/needed him to be with me wasn’t really a concern for him. That was pretty much the way things stayed right up until the end. We lived in the same house, (had sex, of course), fought about the direction our lives/marriage were going (rather, I fought, he never really had much to say about it, his standard answer was “I don’t know what I want” or “I’m happy the way things are” or my personal favorite “Can I turn the TV back on yet?”). He was not a part of our family in any real way at this point.

Then the day came that changed everything. I got the phone call that forced me to face the reality of our lives and make the decision I’d been putting off for years. What was I willing to risk just to stay married, to not “fail” again. It was crunch time and I had to make a decision RIGHT NOW…do I support him, continue to believe what I KNOW are lies, bury my head a little deeper in the sand, or do I cut bait and run? I guess we all know what decision I made. I filed for divorce and had him served at the county jail where he was waiting for me to bail him out (again) within 24 hours. He never came back home. I changed the locks, played hardball on the divorce and custody, delivered his stuff to him and called it quits.

And I think that’s all I’ve got in me for today….

Rant about customer service

(or lack thereof) and the sheer GALL of business these days. I’m currently waiting (have been for a couple of days now) for someone from Neopost to call me in regards to a complaint…I figure eventually I’ll give up and bow down to their new “process” because really, what choice do I have, but in the meantime I intend to be REALLY annoying. As most of you know the USPS has raised rates again. Now in the past, Neopost has always mailed us (in advance of the hike) a new chip for our postage meter. However, this time I didn’t get one, so I called to see what was up. As it turns out, apparently Neopost has stopped sending the updates automatically (unless you purchased their rate protection package of course.) Now, we must call/get online and order our new chips. Not necessarily that big a deal, except, they didn’t bother to notify us of this change in advance, which makes it slightly difficult for us to order it now doesn’t it???? I ask the lady WHY they didn’t notify us of the changes and of course….She doesn’t know?!?!?!

Anyway, I move on and tell her that apparently we need to get an order going for the new chip. She says that while she can place the order for me, it will be cheaper to get online and do it because then we won’t have to pay shipping and handling and since we must pay by credit card now, it’ll actually be more secure online. WAIT A MINUTE!!!! What do you mean we must pay be credit card? We are a business that has been doing business with you for many, many years. We have always been invoiced. Why do we now have to pay by credit card. My accounting department gets a bit snotty when I have to request reimbursement on a personal credit card for non-travel related business expenses. Well, apparently we have no choice…it must be paid for at the time of the order…Ok, so tell me how much it is and I’ll have them cut you a check and mail it in with the order….Nope! Can’t do that either. You MUST pay by credit card.

Now, I realize this may be petty of me, but I don’t recall signing anything, anywhere that says I will agree to do anything by credit card. All my contracts say we will pay upon INVOICE…let me repeat that…we will pay by INVOICE…not plastic.

So I asked to speak to a supervisor or account rep about this situation. Of course, none of those people are “available” but I can leave a voice mail. Of course, I get “cut off” by their nifty little phone system..so I get online and fill out one of their contact us email forms, leave my name, phone number and account number and specifically request that someone CALL me at the earliest opportunity. I get an email response asking ME to call THEM and an 800 number which of course just takes me right back to their automated system. They didn’t bother to give me their extension, but they did leave their name which I had to type into the phone in order to be connected with….you guessed it…a voice mail box. I left a message explaining exactly what me beef was and requesting (once again) that someone CALL me in regards to the issue. That was two days ago…still no call back. Gotta love the new definition of customer service don’t ya…and by the way, I wonder how much the credit card companies are paying these guys to force their customers to pay by credit card?????

OK, so this post will be about

starting to figure out how I got to where I am today.

I think I’ve said before that I grew up in a “Cleaver” household. It was a great childhood and I feel guilty saying anything bad about it, but I think I do have to start there. I grew up being taught to put the opinions, feelings and beliefs of others before my own. Now, I doubt that anyone thought I would take it to the extremes that I have. Having respect for others is a GOOD thing…most of the time. However, when “others” become more important than “self” ALL the time, there are serious consequences. I never learned to think for myself as a child. I always relied on someone else to tell me how to think, live, play, etc., which most kids do to a certain extent and up to a certain age, but at some point we have to learn to trust our own instincts and think for ourselves. Otherwise, we never fully mature and it’s a bit difficult to “grow up” if we never mature.

Now this doesn’t mean that I didn’t have my own thoughts, only that I never thought they could be as good, or “right” as someone elses. If my opinions, thoughts or beliefs differed from someone elses (in particular those of people in authority- parents, teachers, preachers) then my natural assumption was that I was wrong and they were right and it was “bad” of me to disagree, so I would change my thoughts to agree with their’s. At least, I thought I did. In reality, I simply started keeping two sets. One set was the one that I thought I should have and the other was the set I thought was wrong or bad, but were mine.

Now when most people get to be teenagers, they go through a stage where they begin to assert themselves. Most of the time we call it the teenage rebellion, but in reality it is the time when we begin to realize that we do have our own thoughts, beliefs and opinions and start to live by them rather than blindly trusting that our parents are always right. We start making our own mistakes (or triumphs depending on the outcome) and eventually we become the “person” that is most compatible with OUR values.

Looking back, I can only recall one instance where I actually attempted to “buck” my parents on anything particularly important to me…I ended up wishing I’d never started the fight and feeling (once again) that having my own thoughts was “bad” or “wrong” and they should never be brought out for public consumption. Now, in my parent’s defense, I have other siblings who managed to rebell and grow up just fine, so this has more to do with MY relationship with them than with their parenting skills.

But it’s not just parents that affected me this way. I can remember once when I was around 16, one of the women at our church pulled me aside and proceeded to tell me that when her children were my age, she hoped they were just like me because I was so “good” and “mature” and had a “good head on my shoulders.” Yeah……NOT. I was ACTING lady. By then, the “public” me was fully entrenched. I had everybody convinced that I actually was “that girl.” The reality was, I was a seriously messed up teenager who thought I couldn’t make mistakes or “buck the system.” I can still hear “me” screaming silently “No you don’t want your kids to be like me lady…you DON”T want them to be like me. I don’t want to be like me…Do NOT wish this on your kids!!!!” But of course I just smiled, acted embarrassed and got the heck out of dodge as quickly as was polite. But that just added strength to my belief that I wasn’t allowed to be like other kids my age and make mistakes. I just couldn’t
disappoint all those people who thought all these “wonderful” things about me.

Now, if you think I never went through a “rebellion” time, you’d be wrong…unfortunately, I went through that stage when I was in my early 20′s, during and just after my first marriage. It was not pretty. I didn’t know how to handle peer pressure, because I’d never had to “think” for myself. I just handled it the way I thought my parents would think I should because I knew they’d find out and I’d have to answer to them. This time around though, I wasn’t living under their roof, they wouldn’t know what I had done so I had to learn to handle peer pressure as a 20-some year old. I made some horrific mistakes, because I was still in that mind-set of putting other people’s thoughts, values and beliefs above my own…only this time those other people weren’t parent or teachers…they were people my own age and I just “gave” them control over “me.” The guilt I carry to this day from that time period in my life can be almost paralyzing. I’m so afraid that someday, someone will spill the beans and everyone will know I’ve not only got feet of clay, I’m completely clay. So the decisions I made back then reinforced “again” that I wasn’t to be trusted to make my own decisions or have my own thoughts, opinions or beliefs.

Now the reality is, I couldn’t say whether MY values were to be trusted back then or not, because, once again, it had more to do with not handling peer pressure than with being true to my values. I was so used to doing what others thought I should that I never stopped to think that maybe, just maybe, there were some people out there who didn’t care about consequences, didn’t have “good” values and who really didn’t care about being honest and truthful. I never once stopped to think about what I wanted to do, only what others seemed to think was appropriate.

Ok, so this is a good place to stop for now…more to come later I’m sure.