The “duh” moment for Mean Mom

So you all know what I’m talking about, right? That moment when you suddenly “get it” and then you feel like such an idiot for not getting it earlier. That’s kind of how I’m feeling right now.

Little Man had another good day at Auntie M’s today (yay!) At least until it was time to leave and then he started in with calling me times, trying to hit, kick, bite, etc. It took about 5 minutes to calm him and then he was pretty good the rest of the evening. Not a huge tantrum and over fairly quickly, but it still nailed me in the gut. Partially, I’m sure, because it’s been a while since he’s thrown one.

Anyway, I was talking to a friend tonight and made the smart alec comment that I was going to go back to being the mean mom again because things were so much calmer back then.

The longer that thought rattled around in my head, the louder the “duh” got. For a while now I’ve been thinking, talking and hearing all this information about the importance of consistency, routines, etc. I kept thinking about changes like the divorce, daycare changes, time spent on PTA and Big Girl’s bball and could totally see how that was causing problems. Turns out I was missing (part of) the forest for the trees.

You see, since I really started to pull out of the depression, I’ve been on this mission to fix everything. I was so worried about how much damage I may have done while being “checked out” that I couldn’t, wouldn’t accept that I might have actually been doing something right during that time.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying depression is a good thing, I’m just saying that I may have thrown out the baby with the bathwater, so to speak.

I am affectionately known as the mean mom of the family. My sister still tells the story of fixing Big Girl a Dr. Pepper one night and when Big Girl said “Mommy won’t let me drink brown pop”, Aunt T promptly told her that she could drink whatever she wanted while at Auntie’s house. The TV wasn’t allowed on on school nights, bedtime (when at home) was 8:00 whether it was a weeknight or a weekend night, every meal was eaten at the table, we grocery shopped and cleaned house at the same time every week, played at the same time, there was very rarely any junk food in the house (candy, chips, pop-
tarts, fruit roll ups, etc were never bought) drink choices were water or milk. To say we had some serious routines and pretty strict rules would be putting it mildly.

When I started recovering, I started being “looser”. I started saying yes to more sleepovers, extra-curricular activities, “junk” food, fruity drinks, later weekend bedtimes, etc. Of course, since we often had friends over on Saturday mornings, our shopping/cleaning times became sporadic. More activities meant more meals “on the run”…

Y’all see what I’m seeing? In my attempt to give my kids “more” I’ve blown all the old routines and “mean mom” rules that kept everybody on an even keel.

The upshot of all this is that we had a family meeting to talk about it. Big Girl’s comment was that those days were “boring”, but she did admit that they were less stressful. We’ve decided to reinstitute the no-tv-on-school nights rule and start eating more meals at the table rather than on the run. We will finish out commitments already made while working on re-establishing some routines and basically just SLOW DOWN!

I say “hurry up, let’s go and we’re late” way too often. Ain’t a one of us built for sprinting. Some families thrive on that lifestyle, but MY family’s built more for walking.

It’s time to strap on my mean mom boots and re-prioritize.

Testing

Test post of email posting option

Bragging rights!

First, today was Little Man’s first “not at home with Mommy all day” day. He went to my ex-sis-in-law’s house and spent the day with her family. She and her hubby take turns being stay at home parents. He works spring/summer and stays home with the kiddo’s most of the winter and she works winters and stays home spring and summer, so Uncle C will probably be the main caregiver for Little Man this winter. I must say that totally suits Little Man so far. He has a GUY to hang with. He had a wonderful time and they said he was totally AWESOME all day. Uncle C said Little Man could come stay with him anytime, so he’s going back tomorrow. (That was the bragging part in case you didn’t catch it. )

Anyway, I’m working from home Thursday and Friday again and then next week we’re going to try three days with Uncle C and two with me. If he continues to do well, we’ll probably work our way back to me working at the office full-time again. bummer dude…

At this point I’m betting a lot of his issues are sensory type things. There was just too much “stuff” going on at daycare. Too much noise, too many kids, too many changes. I also think love has a lot to do with it. He is extremely sensative to atmosphere. He knows when it’s all good and everybody’s happy, but he also know when things just aren’t right and it makes him insecure. We are big on the touchy/feely things around here. Lots of hugs, tickling, etc. and so was Ms. B (his old teacher at daycare) but these newer teachers were all more “hands off, overseer” types. Even though they praised him verbally, I think he knew it was just words. Know what I mean??? Oh well, I’m storing all this info for when we talk to the therapist in November so we can start working out what sets him off, but I’m trying not to make to many assumptions.

Second, I’m totally lovin’ this working at home thing! I wish I could do it always, unfortunately my boss is already chompin’ at the bit to get me back in the office. He’s spoiled! He can’t function without his general dogsbody (that’d be me) at his beck and call. Although I do have to give him props for working with me on this deal.

And finally, since I’m spending part of my “after the kids go to bed” time working, I’m falling waaaay behind on my blogging. Aside from not posting, I’m also way behind on everybody’s else’s stories. So, now, I’m totally off to catch up on my stories…and I don’t mean the daily soap opera’s…

CJ

Quick check in

Little Man update –
So, I am now officially, for-a-limited-time-only, working at home 3 days a week and at the office 2 days (and possibly some weekends, depending on what it takes to get the work done.) I plan to spend some time this weekend setting up a more functional home office and then we’re off and running. Little Man and Big Girl are both totally thrilled with the idea. We’ve got an appointment with a pediatric psychologist in November and we’ll see how things go there.

He’s been excellent (well, as excellent as any 4-almost-5-year old can be) for me this week. I get up, shower and get Big Girl up for school and then sit down to work until Little Man crawls out of bed. After breakfast he heads off to play for a while and I get some more work done until he’s bored enough to need some Mommy time. I’ve been taking him to the office with me for an hour or so around 11:00 to check in mail, send out mail, etc. then we head for lunch, the park, whatever strikes our fancy and then head to get Big Girl from school. Once we get the logistics worked out, Big Girl will start riding the bus home. Some days I may get some more work done before she gets off the bus and then the two of them will be able to entertain each other so I can work a little while before we start dinner and then I’ll probably be working from their bedtime til my bedtime. So, I probably won’t get a full day’s work in on the at-home days, but I figure I’ll make up the time on the weekends.

My insurance is AWESOME! They will pay for unlimited therapy so long as it is considered necessary by the psychologist. I’ll only have to pay my co-pay since the therapist is in-network. So there’s a major load off my mind.

Big Girl update (sort of)-
We had student led conferences tonight and after it was over, her homeroom teacher was asking me about how the elementary school worked (she’s new to the district.) Anyway, we ended up having a loooooong talk about how they are preparing kids for middle school. We have a major issue down here with the elementary not teaching the kids how to study, not assigning “real” homework and not teaching the kids how to stay organized. I’m hoping we’ll finally get something done about it. The elementary school doesn’t seem to want to change how they do things, but I’m hoping we can get the middle school to understand that these kids need to be taught some real skills. Right now they seem to be concentrating on goals, what do you want to be as an adult, etc. Don’t get me wrong, those are great things to work on, but if the kids can’t speed read, study effectively, etc. those longer-term things aren’t gonna get done effectively. We’ll see, I guess.

Oddball thing…just for thought.
There’s this text foward going around the middle school that goes something like this:
“A man you love is gonna show you how much he NEEDS you tomorrow but you have to send this to 9 girls. No joke he will impress you.”

Really? There’s just so much wrong with this! a) I hate these “have to send to” things. Gag me! If its a really good quote, joke, etc., I’ll delete the “have to send” stuff and forward it just cause I like it, no strings attached. 2) Hello?? This is middle school, no “man” better be showing you squat to impress you! and c) Seriously…my response when I saw it…”I don’t want a man who needs me. I’d rather have one who doesn’t need me, but WANTS me!”

I’m out! CJ

Exhausted…

Mentally and emotionally exhausted. That’s me tonight. There was the whole ex-files thing last night, then I spent 1/2 an hour on the phone with GMAC this morning, talk…hold…talk…hold…talk and on and on. It was a complete waste of time and energy and then not 2 minutes after I got off the phone with them, the daycare called. Little Man has been expelled due to behavioral issues. Yeah, a 4 year old…expelled…from daycare.

He’s had some behavioral issues in the past and for the last week I’ve been working with insurance and the doctor’s office to get him matched up with a play therapist. He had another rough day Friday and I went in and talked to the Asst. Director about whether they would be able to continue to work with us. She was certain they would and we talked about some changes to how they would deal with him, observation sheets that they would start filling out so we’d have more detailed info to give to the therapist, etc. Then, less than 2 hours after I dropped him off this morning, they called to say they thought we should make other arrangements.

I understand their point of view, but I’m a tad ticked at them for a couple of reasons. 1) We had just discussed this issue Friday and before we even got the chance to work on it they bailed. 2) They are at least partially responsible for his back tracking. (I know, I totally sound like a mom in denial blaming it on the daycare…pfft…kiss my ass…it’s my job.)

We had some issues last spring and had gotten things worked out pretty good. He had a totally awesome teacher (Miss B.) who worked with us and helped him to deal with the over-stimulation, etc. Then they switched owners. I was promised that nothing was really going to change, that the new owner was relatively “hands off” and just adding to his portfolio, but that the day to day running would stay the same. NOT.

Within a couple of months 2 of their best teachers (including Miss B.) “left to be stay at home mom’s.” No warning, no gradual shift to new teachers….just gone. Since then, they’ve had 1/2 a dozen teachers who pop in and out so fast I can’t even keep up with all their names. They’ve also gone back and forth on routines, play stations, room sizes, ages of kids that were combined, discipline and reward systems, etc.

When Miss B. was there, we’d gotten to the point that Little Man could recognize a potential “blow up” before he got to the point of no return. He would actually put himself in a “time out” of sorts that allowed him to be in control of himself without being in trouble. There were days when he would just hang with Miss B. instead of playing with the other kids because he (and Miss B.) knew that he was having problems dealing that day. It was great! He was learning some great socialization and coping techniques and I was sooooo proud of him!

Unfortunately, several of the teachers he’s had since Miss B. refused to allow him to put himself in time out because it “disrupted” the rest of the class to have him step out. Even after I explained it to them and they supposedly understood, they wouldn’t help him or praise him for his awareness. They seemed determined that the best thing for him was stricter discipline and being more authoratative…yeah, that backfired in their faces. They also didn’t want him hanging with them during a “bad” day. They kept trying to make him play with the other kids and then couldn’t figure out why he went bonkers. It’s called over-stimulation, you moron. I could not seem to get them to understand and about the time I was ready to yank him, they’d switch teachers and we’d start the whole process over again.

Hindsight being 20/20 I wish I’d made some changes as soon as Miss B. left, but I thought it would be easier for him to adjust to a new teacher than an entirely new school and I didn’t know we’d play musical teachers for 3 months either. Long story short, here we are back at the starting gate again. He’s totally out of the habit of using his coping techniques at school and sees no real reason to go back to them since nobody there seems to want to work with him. I can’t say I blame the little guy…why should he wear himself out trying when nobody there seems to give a crap.

And just to add to the fun my Big Girl is getting sick. I’m hoping it’s just allergies, but I’m waiting to see how she is in the morning. She’s not running a fever right now and I’m hoping she doesn’t start. There’s a possibility she was exposed to swine flu on Thursday, so we’re just now reaching the end of the incubation period if she did get it. We know the girl she was exposed to has some sort of flu, regular or swine, but apparently it takes several days to get test results back on swine flu??? so we don’t know for sure what kind of flu it was.

I soooo need a break, but since that’s not possible, I guess I’ll vent a little here and then suck it up and keep truckin’…

Filed under the Ex Files!

So, let me start by saying, my blood pressure’s not up, I’m not angry and I’m not stressing. However, I am chronicaling all these little goodies for further reference if needed. And to get everybody else’s “we’re not personally involved” opinions.

This was daddy’s weekend. Little Man is back home and sleeping, but Big Girl is off school tomorrow so Nana invited her to spend an extra night and have a “girls day” tomorrow. So, I’m sitting here watching HGTV and here we go: (Please remember the ex is still living with his mother.)

via text

Ex: I love you.
Me: no response
Ex: Take Big Girl home from mom’s soon.
Me: Why?
Ex: I am sittin here with Big Girl and mom and I don’t like what’s going on.
Me: Like what?
Ex: I have Big Girl safe but mom is bs.
Me: At this point I called Big Girl on her cell and did a stealthy “Whatcha doin?” type thing. Anyway, she sounds totally fine, not upset, watching a movie. No yelling in the background. Big Girl’s totally calm, no weird voice, tells me about her day etc., so I tell her love you and good night. I did not respond to the ex or tell him I’ve called her.
Ex: I have Big Girl safe, but mom is bs.
Ex: Mom is being mom.
Ex: I have Big Girl ok and I love you and Little Man…ok!
Ex: I love you.
Ex: Idk what to say other than Big Girl is ok and i hope you and Little Man r too. Love you..we..love you babe.

Soooo, wonder what’s going on???? If there really is something funky going on, why TF wouldn’t he remove her from the situation and bring her home himself? If there’s something funky going on, Big Girl seems totally unaware of it. What does it accomplish to send those texts? Well, other than to worry me, get me to talk to him, etc.

And next…do I call his mom and ask what’s going on? Do I wait till I see her tomorrow and ask? Do I even mention it? (Knowing full well that she is immediately going to ream him a new one, whether it’s true or not. She’s not the type to keep the conversation to herself even if I ask her to.) Do I try to subtly find out from Big Girl tomorrow if anything was going on? There’s the whole ‘If she’s unaware, I don’t want to drag her into it thing.’ As well as the ‘putting her in the middle thing.’ Not to mention that fine line of parental alienation thing. But, at the same time, I hate to rack it up to the ex’s stupid manipulations and then find out later that there was something to his texts.

Sooo, any opinions???

She’s Baaaaack

Well, physically anyway…I’m still a bit wacked mentally. It’s been a rough week. Little Man’s doctor’s appointment was Friday. It’s been decided that he is a prime candidate for play therapy. The pediatrician feels that he has “protective” issues with mommy. Apparently, he’s showing signs of feeling like he has to protect me somehow. Of course, that’s all subject to change after the therapist spends time with him. It was also suggested that I get my butt into therapy and possibly look into anti-depression drugs….yeah, that’s what I get for crying while talking to the pediatrician. That’s also subject to change based on the therapist’s diagnosis, but the pediatrician’s comment was that therapy for Little Man won’t be as helpful if mommy’s not healthy and strong (mentally and emotionally.)

Yeaaaah, soooo, all those “Gosh, look how much I’ve grown” posts…well, you can apparently toss them out the window. Either that or assume that I am so freakin’ screwed up that the progress I’ve made is nowhere near enough.

I am totally exhausted, so I’ll save any other writing till my brain kicks back in. I’m out….

Little Man…

Those of you who’ve been around a while know that Little Man has had some behavioral problems in the past. Well, they’re back again. He’s been having problems all week and today they got bad enough that I had to go get him from daycare. Yeah, a 4 year old got sent home from school…. Hitting, kicking, throwing, calling the teacher a b**ch, it wasn’t pretty. We have an appointment with the doctor on Friday to see if there’s anything physical going on and to see whether we need to get a counselor involved.

We already have a pretty good idea of the source. He’s got some major abandonment issues and I can’t say I blame him. Divorce is rough enough on the kiddos, but he’s had two in-home babysitter’s leave due to spousal job change that led to moving out of the area so then I put him in a regular daycare/preschool and they’ve had major problems keeping teachers this summer. His comment yesterday was he liked X and she left and now he likes Y and she’s gonna leave too. He’s already associating liking someone with them leaving him.

He gets 100 times worse after spending the weekend with Daddy. Mostly I think because he has to spend the night. He very rarely spends the night anywhere but home these days except for when he goes to Dad’s and has to. He seems to have about a 12-hour away-from-Mommy tolerance. Any longer than that and we start to have issues.

We do OK, if we can just pretty much go to school/work and then come home together every night through the week, but since school has started our schedule has gone wonky. Big Girl is playing b-ball this year and has practice two nights a week and I’m helping out with PTA so I have a couple of meetings a month to attend. He goes to b-ball practice with us and I usually let him stay with Grandma during my meetings (cause really, what 4 year old wants to sit through those meetings?)

Anyway, he went to Dad’s this weekend and the behavior problems started in again on Monday at school. We all know he has more problems after being at Dad’s, but usually it’s fairly minor and only takes a day to get him back on track. This time it’s REALLY bad and today was the 3rd day in a row, hence the come-get-him phone call.

I wouldn’t mind at all to just come home every night, but that’s rather unfair to Big Girl. I can’t really ask her to give up her activities, but I’m not sure what we’re gonna do. I just feel so absofrigginglutely helpless!

Has anybody had one this young go to counseling? Does it do any good at this age? How in the heck do I balance Big Girl’s on-the-brink-of-teenagerdom needs with Little Man’s need for major structure, routine and downtime?

Measuring Growth

Well, I must be getting better! First, here’s last night’s texting saga (or rather short story;) )

Ex: We have to talk about life and us and the kids soon.

Me: What is there to talk about?

Ex: I guess nothing. I love you and our kids soon i will be gone because i cant take seein u anymore and not gettin any emotional feelings from u.

I didn’t bother responding.

Ex: I will let u know where our kids stuff is they can remember their dad by soon. I cant get ur love back then i will make sure our kids have my memory.

I still didn’t bother responding.

And that’s the end of that story. Why does this mean I’m getting better? Because once, not so long ago, I would’ve gotten P. O.d that he was playing these stupid mind tricks in an attempt to manipulate me into a conversation with him. (Maybe even felt a twinge of guilt that he was in such a crappy position in life and wondered what I could have done somewhere in the past that would have changed the course his life took him on.) Then I would have been angry at myself for letting him get to me. I think I even posted a rant on here a few months ago about how mad I was about his manipulation tactics. What a stupid waste of time that was.

Last night, however, not so much angry or guilty as, well….nothing. I rolled my eyes and went about my night. Reality is, his mom’s about had enough of her 37 year old son mooching off of her and lying to her and is about ready to kick his butt to the curb. In fact, when I saw her this weekend, she wanted to know when I was going to go after the not-ever-paid-since-the-divorce-two-years-ago child support. Her comment was “at least then he’d have another bed to sleep in.” I’m assuming she means the whole it’s-now-a-felony-charge-if-I-press-the-issue-so-he-could-wind-up-in-jail thing.

But I digress.

Point here today…I’ve slowly but surely progressed to the point of freedom. I’m recognizing his manipulation and guilt trips for what they are. He is 37 years old, nothing he’s done since the divorce shows an increase in his common sense or responsibility and there is NOTHING I can do for him. There is nothing I should do, nothing I owe him. He and he alone is responsible for his current situation and for changing his current situation.

I know this because I have learned to quit blaming him for my situation. I and I alone am responsible for where I am in life, finances, whatever. I know that I’ve used him as an excuse in the past (at least in my own mind.) If we were broke, it was because he spent too much, quit another job, wasn’t paying child support, etc. The reality is I made the choice to give him the money, support him financially or make financial choices based upon him paying his child support.

If I was depressed, it was because he was being a jerk. If I was fat, it was because I was so busy doing everything while he galavanted around that I didn’t have time to exercise (but obviously time to eat .) If I was tired, it was because well,…you get the idea.

But there is a truth buried deep in there. I was the one who chose how to react in every single one of those situations. I am not anymore responsible for his situation than he is for mine. In accepting my own faults, responsibilities, failures, strengths, blessings and successes, I have made myself able to let go and move on to a more honest, happy place.

Do I still worry about how his behavior will affect the kids? Yes, every damn day.

Do I ever wonder if there’s something more I should be doing to protect them from his emotional B.S.? Yes, everytime I drop them off for Daddy’s weekend.

Do I worry that he really will disappear and abandon them when he gives up on us getting back together again? Yes, everytime he pulls one of these “I’ll be gone soon” guilt trips.

BUT, I no longer carry guilt for his current situation and no longer allow his manipulation tactics to ruin my happiness.

So there, that’s how I’m measuring growth today! How do you measure growth?

Random Sunday Thoughts

That dork you just saw mowing in the rain, in October, was me. Of course now that I’ve put the mower up, changed and started blogging, it has stopped raining… Did you know that according to my calorie counter sitting on my butt on a riding mower for an hour burns 220 calories. Apparently the effort involved in keeping said butt centered on the seat, steering and pulling a lever to lift the blade up and down could actually be considered exercise. Who knew???

So, I’ve been doing the diet/exercise thing for a week now and I’ve learned this. 1400 calories a day seems to be a good number for weight loss for me (Thanks to VinoMom and KA for convincing me it was OK to go below 1500.) I’ve also learned that while jogging in place is good exercise, I seem to get a better workout from my aerobic walking workout. (That’s based on the way my muscles felt during and after as well as the fact that instead of the sweat dripping, it was running in little rivers. So, obviously, a lot of scientific thought and effort went into that experiment. )

Shameless (and unpaid) plug here. The walking workout is off of a Prevention DVD that’s been gathering dust on the entertainment center for a while now. I like it because of the options. You have the choice of individual workouts including warm-up, walking workout, upper body toning, lower body toning, core strengtheners, Yoga, cool down, all of them together OR pre-built weekly routines in either 20 or 30 minute daily sessions which provides a different workout for each day of the week. It takes some of the guess work out of figuring out which area to work on for us beginners. (Including a rest day.) I haven’t used them yet, but am working my way there. Then one of these days I’m hoping to get up the guts to go get Jillians’ 30-day Shred. I’m terrified that if I attempt to keep up with one of that woman’s workouts, I’ll get all depressed and stuff and quit. (Cause I’m all mature like that.)

I bought an infrared heater yesterday. It’s supposed to be the most efficient heat around. It’s not really a whole house/main heat source, but given the fact that I live in a bloody cave (earth contact home), it does a darn good job so far. I’ve decided that keeping ye-old-wood-burning-stove going during the winter is a bit dicy when you’re as busy as we are, and the 40 year old baseboards are inefficient and expensive to run all the time so I’m hoping this little infrared jewel will help (cheaply) keep the house a bit warmer on those days the fire dies out before I get a chance to stoke it. The up-side is it’s cool to the touch (except for the exhaust area) and is much safer than your usual gas/electric coil heaters when it comes to fires. The salesman says they’ll NEVER catch fire. I’m assuming he means the unit itself won’t overheat ’cause anything plugged into an electric socket runs the risk of shorting. (See, I do have a little smarticals.)

I GOT A BADGE FROM SINGLEMOMMYHOOD. Isn’t it cool. I feel so blogofficial now! Single moms go check out their dating manifesto contest. You single dads are welcome too, but I think the prize is sorta geared toward the moms…’cause you know it IS titled SingleMOMMYHood. Of course, I’m also partial to the websites listed in my blogroll. It’s that list over there to your right titled “Blogs I Like.” Can’t imagine where I came up with that witty, tantalizing title, can you?

Ok, I’ve totally got to get back to house cleaning. I’ll be picking up kiddos in a couple of hours

OK, OK, last edit I also weatherproofed the snot out of my 40 year old wood windows yesterday. Plastic sheeting and weather-stripping and air conditioner covers, Oh My! I wrote this totally cool post in my head from the house’s point of view about there being no shame in having a little work done to your *assets*, then realized I totally got the idea from Redneck Mommy’s post Fric’s Viewpoint and decided I probaby shouldn’t steal her ideas.