Life is a maze

Yeah, bear with me, I’m waxing philosophical today.

You know that scene in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (the movie version) where they’re entering the maze and Dumbledore tells them to beware, that the maze is full of strange things and that you must pay attention because the maze can change a person. I’m thinking there’s a bigger lesson there than most people get.

Life is a maze. When we’re in the maze, all we can see are the hedges growing up around us. We may have a compass (morals, ethics, etc.) but that compass can only tell us what direction we’re going in. It can’t tell us whether the path is clear or overgrown. Whether it will take us to a good place or a dead-end. It can’t tell us what obstacles are along the way or what the best path around them is. It cannot tell us whether the people we travel with are honest and good.

Life also changes a person. Some people grow strong and wise and brave, others disheartened and sad. Some simply give up.

The maze grows faster than we do. If we simply hurry through it, ignoring the growth, it can overtake us. Paths that were once open begin to grow closed until we’re stuck with no way out. We rip out the chainsaw and force our way through to a clearer path but if we didn’t learn from our mistakes we end up stuck again and again and again until our maze is full of rough-hewn holes that make it even more confusing to navigate.

Those who took their time, trimmed and pruned and planted flowers along their travels can tell where they’ve been. They’ve laid out a map for themselves. Those who rushed through, ignoring the path often end up traveling to the same dead end time and time again.

Some of us will say the growth is natural (we justify) and is not ours to trim (judge). We forget that it is OUR maze and we are responsible for its care. I am one of those people.

I rush through my maze using the excuses of “it’s not my…” or “I don’t have time” or “soon” or “when X happens” to justify my lack of trimming. I find myself surrounded by years of weeds and brambles that I ignored (People I should have “trimmed” with boundaries or perhaps simply pruned out of my life.) They have left scratches (physical and financial) and bruises (emotional wounds) that I didn’t acknowledge or treat and which now have festered into larger problems (therapy anyone?)

It is at this place, stuck once again by my lack of gardening, that I finally begin to reach out. Begging for direction from those outside my maze. Those who fly above it and can see the paths and choices much clearer than I. I reach out, here, in this virtual world of the online to people who can tell me where the obstacles are, who can advise me on what lies ahead. Those who can soar above my little maze and see all the paths, the openings, the dead-ends.

Will I learn this time and begin to trim and care for my maze? Or will I break free only to end up here again in a few years because I ignored the weeds? I suppose only time will have the true answer. Its easy to stand and fight when its the only choice left to us. The true test of a person’s character often comes when there is no need to fight. Are we truly strong, all the time, or do we wait until the battle comes to our doorstep and we must fight?

Will my future maze start out neatly trimmed and pruned and planted and then slowly fall into disrepair or will I be wise enough to continue my work, even through the “easy” times?

Queen of the couch

Ok, so there’s all sorts of drama and nonsense going on, but I’m sick and tired of thinking about it, let alone wasting time blogging about it, soooo today we’re having fun with dogs! As you may know, my kiddos have been begging for one and I’ve been hem-hawing about it. Anyhoo, we decided to “borrow” a dog. Yes, I said borrow My sister has 4 dogs at her house, so we stole one. hehehe

Little Miss. Zoey is somewhere around 5 months old, partially potty trained and still in the chewing phase. My sister lets all the animals up on her furniture and they (the humans) don’t seem to get the concept of obedience training. (Of course, with 4 dogs ranging from a 4 pound Min-Pin/Daschund mix to a 70 pound black lab, they’re just flat-out, out-numbered and out-smarted ) Anyway, we picked Zoey because I figured she’d be the most “work”, teaching the kids exactly what it’s like to have a dog around full-time. I assumed (you know ass-u-me, ahem) that after a few days of having to take care of, walk, clean-up after, take out to pee, loose toys to little puppy teeth, etc., the whole “can we have a puppy” phase would be not quite so appealing.

People….I was wrong.

This sweet little angel has not had one single accident since we brought her home a week ago. She has chewed up some paper, but hasn’t touched the kid’s toys, the furniture, the tree, the presents…well, you get the picture. Her chewing forays are limited to not-really-all-that-important-to-the-kids things. Big Girl is totally down with taking her out to potty first thing every morning. No one’s complained yet about having to take care of her, she’s doing well with her obedience training (having learned “sit” already) and she is totally stealing my heart! GAH!! Help me peoples! This has totally backfired!!!!

I haven’t even attempted to keep her off the furniture since she’s totally allowed to climb it when she’s at her “real” home, therefore, I now present you with Queen of the Couch!

How totally cute is she?

Ex out of hospital

So, he’s out and apparently fine. See my comment on his in-hospital blog for more info if you want.

I’m so peeved, I probably shouldn’t start a new post or I’ll lose my temper… The good new is I didn’t tell the kids about this mess until last night after I found out he’d been released already. I’d have been even more PO’d if I’d told them and had them totally stressing for a day only to find out there wasn’t a damn thing wrong with him. As it was, I told Big Girl that he had taken some expired cold medicine and it had made him sick so they sent him to St. Louis for tests, but everything came back fine and he was on his way back home. I also told her that it was my call to wait for the results before telling her. She didn’t seem particularly worried about him or upset that I had postponed telling her. She just wanted to fill me in on Game Night and her latest crush. It’s always hard to tell with her though. Sometimes things don’t bug her much when they happen, but the more she thinks about them (or other people talk about them) she comes up with questions or concerns, so I’m just playing it by ear and letting her come to me when she’s ready. Little Man spent the night elsewhere last night, so he hasn’t been told yet, but he’s too young to really be told much other than daddy was sick, but now he’s fine. Now all I have to worry about is how the ex plans to play this. If he starts using it as a weapon against the kids, I may very well cause him some bodily harm. I’ve got a nice little bat at home…..

OK, OK, I’m just kidding, but that doesn’t mean I can’t dream.

Ex in hospital

Apparently my ex was taken across state to a St. Louis hospital last night with what he says is liver failure from taking too many Tylenol PMs. He’s been an alcoholic for years, which probably contributed also. According to his text, he may not make it through the week, but I can’t seem to get any more information. He goes from telling me he’s dying and needs a transplant to they think his liver will be ok. All in the same text message. I’ve talked to his mom and his sister who are still at home today. As far as I can tell they aren’t planning to go up there and don’t seem to know any more than I do. I can’t decide whether to freak out because he’s dying or not. Nobody else in his family seems particularly disturbed about it. It’s really wierd. Nobody deserves to be sitting alone in a hospital waiting for test results on living or dying and yet that’s where he’s at. I keep thinking of the Boy Who Cried Wolf. Obviously it’s serious or they wouldn’t have transferred him, but why is no one in his family, including his mom, up there with him? Do they know something they’re not telling me or what? I’ve called the hospital, but, of course, they can’t tell me anything because of privacy laws, so I’m stuck waiting for a phone call from him.

I haven’t said a word to the kids yet, because I don’t know what to tell them. There doesn’t seem much point in freaking them out until I know the facts, but, good god, what if he really is at death’s door?

Email Exchange with the ex…

From: Me
To: The Ex
Subject: the kids

I want to know exactly what was said to the kids about you going to jail for not paying child support.

From: The Ex
To: Me
Subject: Re: the kids

They knew I was upset saturday and so I was honest with them and told them that you were going to do something if I didn’t start giving you money by the end of January. I’m assuming your going to inforce the child support which means I would be arrested for back support and go to prison. I know I don’t have the money so I was honest with the kids. They have a right to know and not be left in the dark.

From: Me
To: The Ex
Subject: Re: Re: the kids

That is completely out of line. You NEVER involve the kids in any kind of child support discussion. You NEVER tell them that one parent is going to put another parent in jail. That is considered parental alienation by pretty much everybody. You are not that stupid Ex. You knew damn good and well what you were doing. As far as I’m concerned that was you at your manipulative, woe is me, guilt tripping best.

I WILL NOT TOLERATE you putting the kids in the middle any longer. Little Man was in absolute tears and while Big Girl pretty much doesn’t want to talk about it, she’s been overly-emotional all week. The only thing you accomplished was hurting and scaring the crap out of the kids and pissing me off. I don’t go around telling them that the reason we can’t afford to do anything is because Daddy doesn’t help support them and I expect the same consideration and respect from you.

Consider this the only notice you are ever going to get, so listen up.

1) You will NEVER again discuss child support with them.
2) You will NEVER again talk about how you want to be a family again, but “Mommy won’t let me come home.”
3) You will NEVER again use the words “Mommy kicked me out” when talking to the kids.
4) You will never again say “It’s Mommy’s fault I don’t have any money.”
5) You will NEVER again attempt in ANY WAY to undermine my authority or the relationship I have with the kids.

These are just a few of the comments that I KNOW you have made to them over the two years since our divorce because the kids have come to me about them or repeated them in front of me. I shudder to think what you’ve been saying that I don’t know about. I have done my best to never badmouth you in front of the kids and to answer their questions in a way they will understand without placing blame. I don’t talk about child support in front of them and I do not attempt to make them think anyone was at fault in our divorce. They are CHILDREN and as such deserve our protection. If you EVER do something like this again, I will invoke the supervised visitation IMMEDIATELY. I am tired of covering for you and it stops NOW. Do you understand?

On a side note regarding your text from 1:30 this morning. The reason C went out last night as opposed to another night was because M was off today and would be watching the kids. As far as I’m concerned that was just another sign of you acting like an immature brat. If you were truly “concerned”, you would have tried to stop it before he was “drunk”. You didn’t act in a mature, adult, “protecting the kids” manner. You were acting like a tattle-tale just trying to cause trouble. It is not the first time you’ve done it nor was it the first person you’ve tried to discredit in my eyes with snide, vague comments.

In case you haven’t figured it out, I am DONE being Mr. Nice Guy. Start putting the kids first or I will do it for you. Understood?

So….whaddya think??? Overkill???

Damn, I feel better now….:)

Not thinking? or Manipulating?

For those of you that don’t know already, my ex has never paid his court ordered child support. He is currently 2+ years and 11,000+ in arrears. While I have discussed it with him several times, I have never enforced the order with CSE because, well, maybe I’m a wuss, maybe I was trying not to be the money-hungry ex, maybe the price of the battle was too high, who knows. However, I’ve run out of time waiting for his “another month” or “till I get back on my feet again” to come to pass and can no longer put this off. I’m currently working three jobs, the transmission on the car is going out and I’ve discovered we have termites (yippee.) While I can (just barely) pay the bills, extras or emergencies are killing me. I just can’t do it on my own anymore.

I told the ex this weekend that he had until the end of January to start paying something on a regular basis or I was going to have to call CSE. Monday, I got the shock of a lifetime. Little Man burst into tears while telling me that “Daddy was going to jail tomorrow, cause he didn’t pay his Mommy. Daddy’s have to pay their Mommys. He has a contract that says so and he didn’t pay his Mommy, so he’s going to jail tomorrow.”

After a bit of sorting, I discovered that apparently the ex had told the kids that he hadn’t been able to afford to pay his child support and that if he didn’t start paying it, I would call the judge and have him put in jail. WTF!!!!

I have never been so angry in my life. I called and left a very hostile message for him Monday night and he texted that he didn’t get off work until 10:00. I told him to call me then and his response was “Fine”. He didn’t. He was also a no-show again at Big Girl’s basketball game last night because he had pool (as in 8-ball and cue stick, not swimming) league. She has one game left on Thursday that he’s going to “try” to make it to, but I’m not holding my breath because he hasn’t been to a single one all season.

Anyway, I’m drafting an email this morning and I cannot decide what to say. A part of me says, stick to the “don’t ever say that to the kids again”, another part wants to let him know that if he ever does, I’ll reinstate the supervised visitation (hey, if he can’t control his mouth, I will!, but that almost seems like overkill), another part of me wants to open both barrells about the basketball games and several other things and a small part of me (along with his mom and my mom, lol) wants to just call CSE and be done with it, but that seems petty since I just told him he had till the end of January. I can’t seem to decide because I don’t know whether he was simply just not thinking or whether he was trying to guilt me into backing off (and it’s not like he’s gonna fess up to that second one.)

I’ve said before that the price of the child support battle was simply too high. A part of me knew he would eventually pull a stunt like this with the kids and I just wasn’t willing to put them in the line of fire. I kept hoping that, given enough time, he’d get his shit straight on his own, but apparently not.

No amount of money is worth my kids well-being, but is that where we’re at or am I just continuing to enable him? Big Girl is already starting to show signs of a daughter whose daddy is losing standing with her. He’s broken one to many promises. Is it better to bite the bullet and let the pieces fall where they may or do I just shut up and let him dig his own grave.

Some days it feels like the kids are going to end up hurt either way and that maybe I’m just making it harder on them by allowing him to float around acting like a kid instead of an adult. I’m not talking about bad-mouthing him, I’m simply talking about holding him accountable instead of covering for him. Is it even my place to be wondering????

Has anyone else had this problem before? Should I just write it off and continue doing it on my own? How do I proceed? Where the HELL do I go from here????? Where is that magical line between being a responsible parent and expecting the same from the ex and becoming the pyscho ex who’s constantly nagging the other parent to be more involved, both financially and physically???

Little Man’s 2nd Appointment

So, we had our second appointment with the therapist this week and she did give us some things to work on at home, however, there’s another task she gave me that I have some problems with. When she brought it up, I pushed aside my misgivings based on the “your the pro” theory, but I can’t seem to get them out of my head. Obviously I’m going to have to discuss this with her, but, here’s the scoop.

She wants us to get Little Man back into a “regular” preschool or daycare facility ASAP, however, not full time. She wants us to find one that will allow him to attend a couple of hours a day, a couple of days a week. Her theory being we make him “like” school so much he wants to stay there instead of going to Aunt M’s, but we don’t let him stay full time until we’re sure he can behave. Slowly building how much time he spends at “school” until he’s there full-time.

First off, financially, I’m not sure I can swing this one. We’ve already added the cost of therapy to an already overloaded budget and all of the schools I’ve talked to so far do not have a part-time setup for this. They will set him up on 2-3 days a week, but we would have to pay for the full day, even though he would only be there a couple of hours. I would then be paying the school, plus Aunt M for child care for the same days, in other words, double the child care costs I’m paying now. (Plus the gas to run back and forth to another place.)

Secondly, I would have to work out the logistics of getting him back and forth between the two places. I suppose depending on the location, I could have Aunt M pick him up or drop him off, but that brings us to problem three…

Thirdly, we’re talking about adding even more transitions and stress to a kiddo that has some serious issues with change. Until we’re sure that he wouldn’t throw a major hissy about staying or going, I would want to be the one in charge of pick up and drop off. If we were doing full days at a time, this wouldn’t be a problem, but now we’re talking about having to leave work to make the swap with Little Man.

I don’t know, I’m hoping the therapy will be good for us in the long run, but so far it seems to be causing more problems in the short run. Little Man did NOT have a good evening after we left there and the next day was seriously rough. The only change to his schedule being that we went to the therapist’s office. I can’t say 100% that that was the cause of the problems, but it’s the only thing I can think of right now. Perhaps that’s just because I am seriously down today. I’m having one of those overwhelmed, can’t do this anymore days. Perhaps tomorrow things will look brighter…

Assertiveness training

So, you may have noticed I have a little problem with being assertive. I HATE confrontation. I am the ultimate Ms. Nice Girl in that I always worry that something I say will offend, hurt, or just plain disagree with someone else. (Ok, you may not have noticed, because I tend to be better at speaking my piece in the relative anonymity of the world wide web. ) But in real life, well, I have issues. I buy every excuse, line and guilt trip in the book. I’ve touched on this topic before, most recently in I Am Not An Alpha Dog.

I have always had problems with my ex when it comes to being assertive. I am the ultimate enabler. I enabled his behavior during our marriage and have continued to enable him in some ways since the divorce. My modus operandi since the divorce has been avoid, avoid, avoid. Bite my tongue, don’t start anything, don’t speak my piece because it never works out good for me. I always end up regretting it. Why? Because in order to speak up, I have to be angry and that always leads to saying the wrong thing. Instead of being assertive, I go agressive if I must go at all.

This has led to more problems than Carter’s got pills (if you get that reference, good for you!) He would do something stupid (like falsify time slips) and I would go from crazed lunatic screaming at him to feeling guilty and buying into his “you drove me to it by expecting too much” line and then trying to pretend it had never happened. Its no wonder his behavior escalated throughout our marriage because my boundaries were in constant flux. “No” meant “depends on how well you push my guilt trip button”. The “last time” meant “give it a few months of good behavior and I’ll probably forgive you if you do it again.”

One of the reasons I like being alone (and am not even considering dating) is because I know that if I don’t fix myself first, I am destined to relive the same relationship over and over again. I have dysfunctional relationships with friends and family as well. Relationships where I am always the one compromising or avoiding confrontation by simply not speaking up or doing what I think is best and that’s not their fault it’s mine. I live in a land of indecision and procrastination for no other reason than fear.

Sorry, I’m getting a bit off topic. This post is supposed to be about what I’m learning. True to my nature, I have been researching the heck out of how to be assertive. I’ve even downloaded a couple of hypno-therapy audios regarding self-discipline and No More Mr. Nice Guy. I can’t say at this point whether the audios are being helpful or whether its just a combination of things I’ve learned during research and a committment? to change, but today I found myself getting to practice my new assertiveness training on my ex. It’s a little thing, maybe not even worthy of posting, but the feeling was something I wanted to remember.

Little Man got a cancellation appointment with the counselor for this evening and my ex is going to be able to attend as well. He is not working today and is closer to Little Man and that’s where this text conversation starts.

Ex: Would you like me to pick up Little Man this afternoon and meet you there?

Me: It doesn’t matter to me but you might want to check with him or give him a heads up about the change.

Ex: We are the parents not him, he just has to deal with it but I will call and get back with you.

Me: It’s common courtesy to let him and Uncle C know about a change of plans.

Ex: Sorry you sounded like you meant it was his decision. Misunderstood text.

Me: He has a right to an opinion whether he makes the final decision or not.

Ex: I will be picking him up and we will meet you there.

Ex: I said I was sorry and I did give him the choice when I talked to him.

Ok, OK, I know most of you are probably wondering what the heck I’m so “impressed with myself” about and therein lies my problem in a nutshell.

This will be the first time in five years that my ex has picked up Little Man from “daycare”. Although I’ve told him how stressful that transition time is for Little Man, he’s never witnessed it first hand before. You see, Little Man needs his routines. We’d already gone over today’s schedule. Who was he staying with, who was picking him up, where we would go afterward, etc. The plan is already in his little head and changing said plan without advance notice could (and has before) caused problems. Since we’re going to the counselor’s right after pick-up, I’d hate to start the visit out on a bad note, with a cranky kid, hence my advice to talk to Little Man in advance.

His dad’s reply of “we’re the parents, he’ll just have to deal with it” trips my trigger on two levels. 1) While being parents does give us the final say-so, it doesn’t give us the right (in my opinion) to ignore known issues like transition problems and assume that a 5-year old can just “deal with it”. We’re supposed to be helping him and teaching him how to deal with his problems, not shoving our orders down his throat just because we’re the parents. and 2) Ok, I admit it, I immediately took that comment as a slam against my parenting skills, a subtle dig about the fact that “he doesn’t have behavioral problems” the (three whole) days a month he’s with his dad.

Anyhooo, a week ago I would have not said a word after his “we are the parents” text and ended up getting madder by the minute until I’d blown the whole episode completely out of proportion in my mind and ruined my day. Today, however, I asserted my opinion without being a jerk (I think?) and am left feeling slightly….empowered. I know this is totally trivial, but to me it is a starting point, a baby-step if you will toward learning to grow up and grow a set.

Little Man’s 1st Counseling Appointment

So, yesterday was Little Man’s first counseling appointment. I think things went ok. Little Man wasn’t about to go in by himself, so we all (him, me and the ex) all went in together. Most of the session was spent with her trying to get an idea of why we were there and what our concerns were. Her initial diagnosis? He appears to be a very strong willed child that is having some anxiety problems. The strong willed part is a good thing as long as we get him headed in the right direction , but it does create more parenting challenges.

I have to say that the one thing that I dislike the most about therapy is that it is so hard to “pass along” all the information that needs to be addressed in a one hour session. Because of the time restraints they have to make assumptions based on the “norm” and I sometimes think those assumptions are a bit faulty so now I’m wondering how much is too much and how much is not enough?

My ex was very vocal about the fact that Little Man “just doesn’t have” any behavioral problems at his house and that he sleeps downstairs on the couch by himself. Since Little Man’s problems seem to occur at my house and he has trouble making it through the night without coming to bed with me, the doctor’s comment was that obviously Little Man felt very secure at Daddy’s house, but not so secure at my house, so we’re going to have to work on making him feel more secure when he’s with me. OUCH!

I am mature enough to admit that hurt. Talk about feeling two inches high! Being told your son doesn’t feel safe when he’s with you is kinda like getting sucker punched in the gut.

Anyhoo, now I’m in a quandry. The one question that she didn’t ask was “How much time does he spend at each house?” I didn’t bring it up because we sure don’t wanna start a war in the therapist’s office, plus I’m trying to work out whether it’s relevant or just sour grapes on my part after hearing her diagnosis.

Reality is the kids go to daddy’s every other weekend from noon on Saturday to 3pm on Sunday (that’s his choice, he has never taken the kids as often as he is entitled to.) That’s the equivalent of 54 hours and two nights per month with dad compared to about 675 hours and 28 nights per month at my house, so that’s me 92% of the time and dad 8%. (See this is where I wonder about the sour grapes. I know I’m anal about numbers, but I just sat here and added up the hours. Defensive much?)

To me, it seems kinda relevant, but then again maybe it’s not. I just don’t know anymore, so I’m thinking about getting myself into some counseling to make sure I’m not passing out “insecurity vibes.”

She wanted to see him again in two weeks, but with the holidays and her overbooked schedule, the earliest date we could get was in December, so we’re going back then. We didn’t make it into what we should be doing at home to help him out, so I’m hoping that the next visit will yield some suggestions on things we need to change. She did say that at some point before he hits Kindergarten next year we should probably get him back into a daycare/preschool facility so that we can make sure he’ll be able to cope with school, but that will probably happen after we’ve had a few sessions and started to see some progress in his behavior.

Well, I’m supposed to be working, so I suppose I better get back to it. Just wanted to give you a quick update!

CJ

I am NOT an alpha dog…

Gah! I am so far behind on blogging and I have so much to “get out” that I’m not even sure where to start. I went from blogging daily to blogging once a week now (if I’m lucky) and I’m so far behind on everybody else’s blogs its scary! I know that blogging is good for me. It helps me sort things out, vent, organize my thoughts, etc., but finding the time to keep up adds more stress to an already overloaded chick than I think I can handle some days.

Maybe I should just start with my wierdo title. I am NOT an alpha dog. The kids have been begging for a pet for months now and I keep saying no. I don’t think I can handle adding another living creature to my stress load right now, but then I watch Little Man and Big Girl with my sister’s and sis-in-law’s dogs and I’m beginning to think the stress would be worth it. It seems almost theraputic for them, especially Little Man. I can soooo see him playing with a dog while I’m trying to cook or clean or help Big Girl with homework instead of climbing all over me demanding attention or that I turn the TV on (and TV is not good for his already over-active imagination.) I can see him actually going to his room to play instead of having to be in the same room with me or sis all the time. I can see a dog being a “security blanket,” if you will, for him. He needs a buddy, it’s just that simple…and that complicated. And Big Girl….she would so love a puppy to snuggle with. Although, if we get one, we might have to get two just to keep them from fighting over it.

Anyway, I’ve been researching dog breeds and temperments, costs, weighing the pros and cons trying to decide whether it would be a good thing for our family (and whether I can afford it.) I love dogs, but I’ve never been good at training them because I am NOT an alpha and they know it.

I am not an alpha, but I wish I was. Why? Because so many of my problems are a direct result of not being an alpha. On this blog, I can see the person I want to be. Strong, decisive, doing what I think is best and damn what anybody else thinks about it. But in reality…I am the wishy, washy, afraid to make a wrong decision, needs to make everybody else happy type person. And it SUCKS sometimes.

Do you know what the biggest stumbling block for me choosing to get the kiddos a dog is? I know my parents wouldn’t approve…My dad will be disappointed that I “caved” and took on something he doesn’t think I can handle right now. There are other issues of course, but everytime I think I’ve decided to go through with it I can see his face and hear the disappointment in his voice. I know that if I comment on puppy poo or mention being short on money, he’ll get that “I told you so” look on his face. The biggest roadblock to my kids getting a pet is my need to please my dad. (Have I mentioned I’m on the downhill slide to 40? and I’m still worried about making Daddy happy?)

I was reading a book this week and in it there was a comment about leadership. Being a true leader isn’t about making the right decision all the time. It’s about making the decision that you think is best and being willing and able to deal with the consequences of your mistakes, because there WILL be mistakes, lots of mistakes, it comes with the territory. The more decisions you are required to make, the greater the number of mistakes will be and you have to be able to use those mistakes as “strengtheners” and not failures.

Parenting in its simplest form is leadership…so if I’m not a leader, how can I parent effectively? Especially with an alpha for a son?

I am not good at making decisions. I am so afraid of the what if, needing approval from others, needing to know I’m doing the “right” thing. I flip flop back and forth, weighing the consequences, sometimes its like I’m waiting for a sign to tell me which direction to go. But there is no sign most of the time. I wait until I can’t wait any longer and then, sometimes, I wait a little longer. I wait until I no longer have options and must just “deal” with the consequences of my own inaction. I HAVE to learn to trust myself. Learn to just “do it” because this waiting for…something, causes me more grief than anything else I can think of.

I’ve touched on this topic before. Back in August and here I am, yet again, or perhaps more accurately still trying to figure this out. Yet another decision or action that I’ve been putting off.

How does one become an alpha? Is it even possible to change a “personality”? Can this old dog learn some new tricks? I want to change, to be something more and yet I’m terrified to try. What if I fail? Can I handle it? Can I succeed? Can I become the person I not only want to be, but need to be? How does one even start a project as large as changing a lifetime’s worth of habits?